Kudzu Hill, Applied Studies & Subway Trains: Connected, consequently.

I had a great memory come to mind about a week ago. Back in 2000-2001, UGA baseball was playing very well and my fraternity brothers and I made it a point to go to every game we could. Baseball did not have the following of the football team, but there was a small, very dedicated student fanbase. We were not hard to find at game time. We never sat in the stadium of Foley Field, not once. There was a hill behind right field, covered in kudzu (affectionately called "Kudzu Hill"), and at the base of the hill was a 1.5 acre flat piece of dirt where we parked our posteriors for nine innings. Donned in our best un-ironed, Febrezed Polo and New Balances that looked like they had been thrown into a hay bailer, we would fire up our grills and start the harassment of the opposing team's right fielder and first baseman.

It would start with simple barbs, "hey, number 4, you suck!" "Hey Nineteen! Sharpton gonna get you with three straight fastballs!" (+1 for unintentional Steely Dan reference). Bill Sharpton was our ace back then. He was from Vidalia, Georgia and when it was Bill's turn to pitch, the PA would blast "Vidalia" by Sammy Kershaw before the game. As the game progressed and our friends, Anheuser-Busch and Miller High Life joined the fracas, the words would become more pointed and creative. "Hey! 4! Your girlfriend is up here! Damn, they grow em big at Bama don't they?!" We absolutely killed the first baseman from Georgia Tech. We mercilessly assaulted this man on everything from his throwing style, "you look like my sister throwing left handed with a broken arm!" to the way he walked, "Yep! I guess Tech is like prison, no chicks allowed!" Hot dog flavored smoke wafted onto Foley Field. Don Henley's "Boys of Summer," The Romantic's  "What I Like About You," and Tom Petty's "Runnin Down a Dream" blasted over the PA between innings. We would discuss if we were going to "go out" after the game. Somebody would remark, "it's Tuesday."

Mack Williams, the cartoonist for the Red and Black would decide to break out his megaphone and proceed to destroy everyone on the opposing team. You could hear this megaphone in South Carolina. In his infinite wisdom, he would get on the Internet and research their roster, print it out and bring it to right field. He knew their middle names. He knew their majors. He knew their parents names. A strikeout? An error? Better run and hide, especially if you had questionable middle name or an inexplicable major. "Hey, 4! Good thing you are majoring in....(pause to read the printout)....Tourism Management. Really? Tourism Management?? My God. Well, I guess you gotta major in something." You could hear people laughing in the stadium. Auburn and LSU had some really creative majors. I swear one guy from Auburn majored in Birdhouse Construction. Oh well, whatever you gotta do to get the talent to finish third in the SEC West, you do it.

Riding the 1 Train yesterday, listening to "Policy of Truth" by Depeche Mode, I began to notice the advertisements that adorn the inside of the cars.

"1-800-BANKRUPTCY"

"Dr. So and So can rid your face of pimples in two weeks, guaranteed!"

"Don't surf the train or you will be wiped out forever."

"The LIRR will be going to SI ASAP, with transfers to the N, Q, R, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6."

Ok, I made that last one up. However, there was another advertisement that caught my eye. It was one of the many advocating the matriculation of subway riders at a local college that offered majors in "applied studies." Without researching what this means, I instantly became amused. Remember in school when a classmate would have to give a presentation and it was clear he/she did not prepare? They would begin to use SAT words and three syllable adverbs to try to cover up the complete bulls**t they were sputtering. "Applied Studies" harkened back to those times. I imagined the class schedule for Applied Studies in my head:

8:00-8:50: Waking Up 101: The Movement of the Body Out of the Rest Area and the Ambulation of Your Leg Appendages to the Restroom

9:00-9:50: Laptop Skills 302 (Honors): Extinguishing the Power Source to the Laptop During a Computer Freeze

10:00 - 10:50: Mailing Letters 508 (Seniors Only): Envelopes Exceed Minimum Weight Requirements for the Forty-Four Cent Stamp: Procedures, Postulations and Theories

11:00 - 2:00: Lunch: State mandated four hour lunch break

2:30 - 3:20: Cash Register 701 (Advanced): The Reciprocation of Currency in the Event of a Malfunction in which the Register Cannot Calculate the Correct Return Currency Automatically. (Dropped mid-semester due to difficulty)

3:30 - 4:20: Student Loan Repayment 102: How to Whine to Your Congressman Effectively When You Get Fired and Can No Longer Afford to Pay Back Your Loans

I looked up Applied Studies when I got home. You should do the same. It makes me realize a couple of things: 1) now, I know where state "customer service" employees come from and 2) I am in the wrong business. It makes for some interesting reading while you light your degree on fire, realizing that it was just cheapened a little more. I thought about the Auburn player majoring in Birdhouse Construction. I hope it all worked out for him and he is building sweet pigeon condos in Dothan, Alabama.

It is funny how things come full circle in your life. I ran into Mack Williams last week in Brooklyn. Apparently, he lives here now too. We had a good laugh about the right field days, the megaphone and all the fun we used to have. The crowd at the NCAA regionals against Florida State in 2001 was epic. The right field crazies were in full regalia that Saturday and when the Dawgs pulled it out, we felt like a part of it as they celebrated in a Dawgpile on the infield. The team actually tipped their hats to us after the game ended. Alas, it is no more. President Adams incited his "No Fun of Any Kind" policy to the UGA campus after we left and the right field area is now fenced off, charges admission and does not allow grills or alcohol. Another great tradition blown away with the stroke of a pen and a few bow tie wearing cronies with nothing better to do. Luckily, Adams is gone after this year. I hope his next job is teaching "Water Filter Replacement" in an Applied Studies program.

Oh yeah....the Georgia Tech first baseman that we lambasted mercilessly......Mark Teixeira, currently starting at first base for the New York Yankees. Who knew?