Spotting Southerners and Staying Country

Growing up as Southerners, we have a different mindset than anyone in the world. Of that, I am sure. Being in this melting pot of the world, I have had a chance to see so many cultures interact. I know Albanian people. I know Uzbekistanians. I think I talked to a guy from Sierra Leone the other day. I bet 0.00001% of Americans could point to Sierra Leone on a map. It sounds like the name of a town where Clint Eastwood killed a bunch of bad guys in Hang Em High.

(typical Eastwood sigh/grunt followed by tough one-liner): "Met a few of your guys in Sierra Leone....they won't be meeting anyone else."

Southerners have a "vibe" that seems to precede us. I can tell that another person is from the South before they open their mouth and reveal a Georgia twang or a Carolina drawl. Maybe it comes from a lifetime of exposure. Maybe I have a sixth sense, but I ain't seeing dead people yet. When my people visit New York, they always flock to Times Square. That is a proving ground for my ability to spot Southerners. I watch them walk in circles, admire the giant Hard Rock Cafe, buy an FDNY shirt and then pull out a giant map.  Usually, I approach them and ask them if they need help finding anything. I enjoy the relief on their faces when a familiar accent addresses them. Of course, their first question is always the same,

"Where you from, boy?"

Always. Then I answer, ask them the same question, and get all kinds of random answers:

"Fort Mill, South Carolina"
"Anniston, Alabama....by God"
"God's country, my friend.....Natchez, Missippi" (Mississippi)
"Georgia boy too! Down at Manchester. I got cousins in Fairmount."

We all have cousins. Millions of them. Spread all over the South like kudzu. Name a town right now and I guarantee that one of my aunts or my grandmother will remark, "oh, your mama's third cousin Willie Ted lived there for awhile when he was with the power company." I would not know Willie Ted if he walked in my house right now and ate my last bite of cheese grits.

Older rural Southerners are very easy to spot, especially the men. They are the only demographic that does the following:

1) Tucks in a t-shirt (it could be a tattered Bill Elliott #94 t-shirt, no matter. It's tucked, y'all)
2) Has a toothpick in his mouth at 4:45 because they just ate dinner
3) Looking at TVs to see if any of them have on the Weather Channel, so he can check what is going on back home (by God, if that dewpoint drops any lower...)
4) Has a ring full of keys attached to his jeans, even though he is on vacation
5) Wears a mesh back hat because it's cooler (literally, not figuratively. Southern men have not gone hipster yet.)

Older women are slightly tougher, but I have decoded five ways to determine that a woman is a Southerner:

1) Carries her purse with her arm bent, palm up
2) Uses the windows of the Olive Garden to check her perm
3) The man she is with refers to her as "mama"
4) She won't touch the railings going down into the subway ("Oh God, Harold. Go wash your hands.")
5) Looks at every pashmina on the street vendor's table and holds it next to her shirt to make sure it coordinates (Southern women have not gone hipster yet)

Younger Southerners are not so easy to spot. Our generation is much more transient and connected to the outside world. Other influences exist in our lives that did not exist when our parents and grandparents came of age. Even with our speech, you cannot automatically tell with many of my generation. In a sense, we have lost some of our identity. Are we ashamed of ourselves? Has the national media finally convinced us to blend completely with everyone else?  Case in point: I was talking with a group of people I know from Georgia. One of the girls, from Forsyth County, addressed the group with this:

"Myself and some co-workers are going to a thing in Brooklyn, you guys want to come with?" (clearly trying to eliminate her twang in that last phrase)

You guys? Come with? It was like an over-the-top rendition of Breakfast at Tiffany's. If I asked this question in Cassville, I would be laughed/cussed out of the building. Be yourself and damn everyone else. It is perfectly fine to be worldly. It is fine to appreciate other cultures, their way of life, and their traditions. However, I have a problem with Southerners cashing out their culture and values. We have made a niche in this world for being who we are, just like New York Italians, Boston Irishmen, California surfers, and Montana cowboys. To become homogeneous is to allow a small part of the South that exists in all of us to die. That is why I go to Times Square to spot old school Southern people. What others see as redneck or simple, I see as terms of endearment. I have made a concerted effort to remain as "country" as I possibly can. Carry on the way of life set forth by my predecessors rather than forget it and "progress." I have added  "Cassville" to my Weather Channel App. I type  in "old  school country" on Spotify and let it play all day at work. I wear my old Russell moccasins just because. I still cry when I hear Elvis sing the  "Dixie" part of American Trilogy. I watch old Austin City Limits performances on  Youtube. I am on a quest to find the best fried chicken in the city. And grits? God, how I love them. If you don't like it.......frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.