Recap of the Weekend...or Jarvis Jones pays rent in Florida's backfield

Ahhhhhh. My coffee tastes better today. My sausage and eggs tasted like the best 44 oz Porterhouse ever cooked. The birds are chirping, the squirrels are staying off my bird feeder and it ain't all that cold outside. Yes, we have defeated the hated Gators, as yours truly predicted a week ago. Not without its roadblocks, this victory was sweet nonetheless. Sweet because we broke a losing streak. Sweet because Florida's fringe fanbase is unbearable to deal with. Sweet because Mark Richt manned up on fourth down. Sweet because we stuck it to that turncoat, sour grapes, heart attack-in-waiting Will Muschamp. His remarks this week regarding UGA were inexcusable, unforgettable and excellent bulletin board material. Interesting though, Will is now 0-5 as a coach against UGA (he was an assistant at Auburn and LSU). It is just sad to me that a former defensive captain, from Rome freakin' Georgia, could disparage his alma mater in public. So I have a message for you, Will....and I'll put it in terms you can understand.

"&(&(*IHKJKLJSNSSKKSKIJSMJPK<OIIJEMEHHENSP:KOMS"

(that's Tasmanian Devil for "you suck and when Jeremy Foley fires you after the 2012 season and you get a job coaching defensive backs at Slippery Rock University, every bridge into Georgia will be nice and burned for you."

Anyhow, moving along. The first half was the stuff of legend.....if a legend is watching a Twilight marathon with fifteen teenagers, all equipped with Iphones with "Gold Digger" as their ringtone and every hour on the hour, they all scratch a fork across a plate in unison. I could not count how many times I looked at my Dad and said "here we go again." The opening kickoff was taken by Florida and ran straight up the gut to the 50. Luckily, a holding penalty negated it. It would be the only kickoff that went in our favor all day. The first play from scrimmage was a 78 yard pass and run by Jeff Demps, who was luckily only at 90%, so Brandon Boykin was able to haul him in from behind. Gary Danielson reminded us that Jeff Demps was hurt about 3,465 times before the next play from scrimmage took place.

I swear, I thought Gary was going to walk down to the field and propose to Demps on one knee. Verne could be the best man and Chris "Time to Die, Bitch" Rainey could be the ringbearer, since he is about 5'3. They could have honeymooned at the illustrious Adam's Mark hotel in Jacksonville and then lived at Demp's free house in Gainesville.....oh wait, Auburn is in two weeks, my bad.

Then our defense stood up and said "Naw, dawg." They held the vaunted Gator offense to no score, as a limping John Brantley misfired a couple of passes, Rainey dropped one and their replacement kicker booted one about 15 yards wide right. The announcers then made light of the fact that Charlie Weis was in the booth calling the game, rather than on the sidelines. "So he can get a better view of what's working," says Verne. Wrong, Verne, on all accounts. I have it on good authority that Lang's Seafood of Kingsland, Georgia was providing an all you can eat buffet up there. Men of Weisian girth do not miss all you can eat buffets. It just does not happen. When Rainey dropped that pass, he ate 42 popcorn shrimp in one bite. When other assistants cast a judgmental eye, he said "lay off me, I'm starving." (+1 for SNL reference)

A couple of series passed by without event, and then Florida broke the drought with a gutsy 4th and 19 pass play to the end zone, caught by Reed. Our safety completely missed the coverage and stood there like a bump on a pickle as Ogletree, our linebacker, got burned on the mismatch. Weis polishes off two catfish filets and radioes to Muschamp, "Damn Will, they don't have any tartar up here." We get the ball back and end up with a field goal by Walsh. Field goals ain't gonna get it done, we all know that and Mark Richt knows it too. We kick off and Demps takes it on 2, runs to the left hash, and bolts down the sideline untouched for a score. Gary Danielson meets him on the sideline, gets down on one knee with a ring, while five jort wearing trailer trash girls stand behind him and say, "He went to Jared." I pour myself a nice gin and gin, walk into the yard to keep from cussing in front of mom, and stare into the pasture. 17-3 and we are doing nothing on offense. A turnover. Walsh misses the first of two field goals. Our special teams are abominable. I am going to just walk through the barbed wire fence, find the first Brahma bull I see, and kick him squarely in the face. Getting trampled to death by an enraged 2,000 bull could not be worse than watching this.

Just before the half, Florida gets the ball back yet again. I draw up in a knot, imagining the 24-3 that is about to happen, and listening to the "Gator Bait" chant, which rivals "Rocky Top" as the most broken of broken records in the SEC. The defense, as it has done for the last month, holds and forces a punt. We have time for a score. Crowell and company get down to the red zone and bog down. It's 4th down and our maligned field goal kicker stays on the sideline. Richt is going for the touchdown because he knows it is now or never. A season and a career are on the line. Murray takes the snap and heaves it to our freshman receiver Michael "Mighty Whitey" Bennett, who comes down with it for the touchdown. 17-10! Gary Danielson says "we have a new ballgame!" Jeff Demps files for divorce, citing "irreconcilible differences" and sends Gary into a shame spiral. "He's gonna get the house and my 401(k)," Gary says to himself. Charlie Weis drinks hush puppy batter through a straw until security stops him.

The second half WAS stuff of legend...and by legend, I mean Jarvis Jones mutilating Florida's O-line and Richard Samuel manning up in a way that will be talked about for years. We owned Florida in the second half. Todd Grantham now has a half interest in Will Muschamp's house in Gainesville. President Adams set up a bogus research facility in Jeremy Foley's backyard, so he can hide his newest dishwasher that the alumni paid for. Florida gained 26 yards in the second half. Brantley misfired all over the place. They tried Demps in a misdirection at the goal line and he was knocked into December 2009 by Sanders Commings, causing Gary to leave the booth and attempt hari kari on the banks of the St. John's. Jarvis Jones looked at Florida's left tackle, Xavier Nixon, and said "here's my rent" and went to live in Florida's backfield. He abused Nixon so badly that Nixon filed a temporary restraining order in Duval County. Don't worry, Jarvis, I'm going to get Bobby Lee Cook to defend you.

We score again on a 4th down play where Tavarres King outjumped Florida's cornerback and tiptoed in bounds to make it 17-17. We kick off again and Andre Debose gets 10...20...30...40....57 yards to our twenty. As I empty my bottle of gin, I just grit my teeth. I've given up on the kickoff team at this point, they are like a bad dream. It's like dealing with fire ants, you can wipe out nest after nest, but they come back every year. Maybe the defense will hold again. The line allows no running back to get past the line of scrimmage and our secondary has their receivers on lock down. Rainey is limping around because Brandon Boykin rolled him up earlier. Plus, Jarvis Jones's new house gets in Brantley's way when he tries to throw. They settle for a field goal. It's 20-17 but I tell you, I'm feeling good. Charlie is looking for Maalox, it's gotta be the crab cakes.

Crowell has a shin contusion and is sitting this series out, so here comes Richard Samuel. There's eleven minutes to go and everything is on the line. Richard has not had much success running the ball this season, until this night. A fire inside Richard Samuel flickered, went from pilot light to raging inferno, and that man decided that Florida would not stop him. He hit holes harder than Chris Rainey hits his girlfriend. One play told us all we needed to know about Richard Samuel. He plowed over Jon Bostic, Florida's largest linebacker, and stood up, looked to the crowd and did the "Hulk Hogan: I'm about to gorilla press this P.O.S. right here" dance. It was over. The young man from Cass, asked to switch positions three times in his career, maligned by some Dawg fans for running too tentatively, will not be stopped. He scores on a ten yard run where Florida's defenders tripped over each other trying to get out of the way. 24-20 and your truly runs into the yard and stares into the pasture again. I'm gonna kick the bull, but this time, I'm gonna go down swinging.

Florida gets the ball and we hold them again and again. Butler has a couple of really bad punts but it doesn't matter. The Predator, aka Jarvis Jones, flat out destroys Nixon on a fourth down play and sacks Brantley. No, i saw the shoulder gun come out and fry Nixon, I really did. We get the ball yet again, with enough time left to give Florida a chance if we go three and out. Murray trots us out there with Samuel standing alone in the backfield. Handoff to Richard, second down and long. I'm stressed beyond belief. We have to pass in the fourth quarter in Jacksonville. I remember a few passes in Jacksonville in the fourth quarter, some dropped, some intercepted and returned for a touchdown, very few resulting in anything good. Murray takes the snap and heaves the rock to Chris Conley, of Dallas, Georgia. A true freshman. Chris outjumps their corner and comes down with the first down and then some. Conley swaggers to the sideline like a fifth year senior.

Then it was the moment that I will never forget. We are fourth and three around their fifteen and we need a first down to seal the game. There is no hiding what we are doing. Murray hands the ball to Richard, who steamrolls to the one yard line before he is brought down, dragging three Florida defenders to the ground with him. First down and the ballgame is over. Richard is mobbed by his teammates as he limps with a sprained ankle. The crowd goes crazy and players run to the stands, as Richard is helped off the field by medical staff. Although he is hurt, he is smiling. The young man from my hometown, 17 years old when he started at UGA, put the team on his back and willed us to victory. Chills ran down the collective spines of everyone at our party. Tears were in my eyes. In a fitting end, Muschamp barely looks at Richt at the handshake. Richt barely acknowledges him as well. Loosely translated, in Tasmanian Devil, that meant "Richard Samuel just dominated you, I'm going to the locker room to celebrate, be sure to get Charlie some Pepto Bismol because Lang's uses bacon grease to make their biscuits."

Other Highlights:

1) Clemson does their annual choke job and loses to Tech. Dabo Swinney withdraws from the South Carolina governor's race.

2) Texas Tech, after beating Oklahoma last week, loses to Iowa State 41-7. Talk about a hangover, that is like the day after 25 Jagerbombs and you wake up with a hospital bracelet on your wrist and a phone number written in Sharpie on your stomach.

3) Wisconsin loses to Ohio State. It was awesome background noise for my afternoon nap.

Dawgs Homecoming on Saturday. New Mexico State better watch out, or they might have to rename their school: "The Jarvis Jones Center for Concussion Research." Way to sic 'em, Dawgs. And Coach Richt...this doubting Thomas owes you an apology. I am sorry. Good luck next week.