My Very Own Roast....PG-13 version.

If anybody knows me well, you'll know that I love the roasts on Comedy Central. I never miss watching one. I love insult humor and the roasts are insult humor in its highest form. Jeff Ross, Lisa Lampanelli, and Greg Giraldo (RIP) usually appear on these with a gathering of famous movie stars/musicians/comedians in order to poke good natured fun at a specific guest of honor, along with everyone else sitting on the stage (known as a "dais"). Some of the greatest one-liners ever have come from these events. I mean seriously, when Greg Giraldo told Flavor Flav that he looked like a "skeleton wrapped in electrical tape," I laughed for twenty minutes. I encourage each of you to tune in to a roast one day, I promise you will die laughing.

I've always wanted to be on the dais of a roast. I can take a joke and I know I can dish it out too. It is highly doubtful that I will ever be asked, but I could definitely see myself sitting there with a dry martini, ragging on the likes of Snoop Dogg, Andy Dick, Hulk Hogan and Gary Busey. Then I thought, I can have my own roast on here, I own this blog. I can invite my very own dais/guest of honor and roast them into submission without repercussions.

At my roast, I will have a smattering of football coaches, Terrell Owens, Jeff Gordon, Jerry Springer, Lindsay Lohan and Keanu Reeves. The guest of honor will be none other than Kenny Chesney. I will be adorned with a Hugh Hefner-like red robe, aviators, a glass of Bushmill's and flip flops and socks. It will be held on Saturday night at Patty's Truck Stop in Adairsville, Georgia at 2:00 AM (no lot lizards allowed). When I am introduced, the speakers will blast "Eruption" by Van Halen and there I'll be......

Good evening ladies and gentlemen...and welcome to the 1st Annual "Patty's Truck Stop, Drop and Roast." We are here tonight to honor Kenny Chesney....a man with pec implants, female tendencies and a shellace. Sounds like Chaz Bono ought to be up here.

Look at this collection of slobs....Tommy Tuberville made it out tonight. Tommy, when you wear a hat, your head looks like an Imperial fighter from the Empire Strikes Back.You have some strange nicknames...Wingnut? You think its because of your ears? Nah, it's because you've screwed every team you've been associated with. Congratulations on the loss to Iowa State last week, maybe you can bomb Texas Tech back to the Stone Age like you did Ole Miss.

There's former Florida coach, Urban Meyer. (Urban waves) Urban slithered in here late so he wouldn't have to walk in with Nick Saban. You whiny little quitter, Saban caused you to fake a heart condition and retire twice, you're like a bad 70's rock star who hit the pipe too hard.

I'd like to thank our sponsors: Natural Light, Castrol GTX, Purina and the Waffle House for their support, especially the free hash browns, which Charlie Weis polished off in less than an hour, thanks Charlie.

God, Charlie, your front butt is bigger than Nick Saban's ego. (Saban shoots me a bird) When you run, your stomach looks like two pit bulls wrestling in a sleeping bag. Your front butt is so big, it has a gravitational pull...and it pulled Notre Dame down to its lowest point since Lou Holtz left it in shambles in the early 90's.

Hey, Lou, I see you out there, you Granny looking waste of space. Don't laugh. (Lou looks around aimlessly and says something to Mike Slive, who has to wipe the slobber off his face) You are to football announcing what Mel Gibson is to Rosh Hashanah, except you slur more words. Listen to yourself. You sound like a walkie-talkie that Lindsay dropped in a toilet after her last eight ball.

Steve Spurrier, where are you? (Steve tips his visor) Oh, there you are with your fruity ass homing beacon, I mean, visor. Great job in the NFL, I haven't seen losing like that since Kirstie Alley's eighth diet. The Fun N' Gun? More like One n' Done. You are more outdated than Tecmo Bowl. The last time your were relevant, Pluto was a planet. You're famous for throwing your visor, you should be famous for throwing away the professional careers of every Florida quarterback since 1990.

Speaking of other planets, I see Paul Johnson made it in here. (He looks around sheepishly) Who invited you? I'm sure the invitation said "Roast" not "World of Warcraft." It's pretty sad that your fanbase knows more about orcs and goblins than Calvin Johnson. They should show your games on GPTV between two Ken Burns specials about drying paint and rusting cars.

I was told earlier tonight that Keanu Reeves might not make it. I hoped against hope but somehow he was able to land his spaceship in the parking lot. Thank God the star from "Feeling Minnesota" and "A Walk in the Clouds" made it out to Patty's tonight. You played a washed up loser in "The Replacements," I suppose you didn't even have to audition for that one.You are most famous for The Matrix and stopping bullets with a simple "no." If we could end your career that way, I'd pass out blue pills right now. Your acting is so bad, it makes me feel awkward, kind of like watching Richard Pryor standup with my grandmother. You just want to dig a hole and bury yourself in it.

Don't laugh, Lindsay. You've buried your career deeper than Vanderbilt in the SEC East race. (I flip Vandy's coach a bird). You had it all, then you threw it all away with pills, cocaine and the bottle. Some people say you could have been the next Amy Winehouse...let's hope so. (lots of uncomfortable laughs....it's a roast, get over it) You've been arrested more times than Auburn's been on probation. Every time you go to Court, you cry, beg and promise never to do it again, if you were talking about your music career, I think the judge would've bought it. Part of your probation is working at the morgue, which is fitting, because your career died about three years ago. (Lindsay flips me a bird) Somebody go out to the gutter and find her dealer quick, before she sobers up.

You need to sober up too, Jeff. Nobody likes you. You have less fans than diabetes. How are you still in NASCAR? You have less in common with NASCAR fans than RuPaul. You once forgot the words to "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at a Cubs game and you drive a rainbow colored car sponsored by a French manufacturer. Seriously, do you put on your eye shadow in the car at Daytona? If cigarettes still sponsored cars, you'd get Virginia Slims in a heartbeat. You probably drink beer through a straw too. (Jeff candidly puts down his Natty Light can with a straw) .....I freakin' knew it. You are one pathetic loser...

I'm talking to you, Terrell Owens. Or should I say, Terellevant OGodPleaseRetireAlready? You are like a bad daytime soap opera, your drama is tired and the only people who care about you have nothing better to do. You destroy more teams than free agency. You're like Dennis Rodman without the rings and the Madonna fling. People call you a "cancer" to team unity, well, you're 37, which is like being 127 in the NFL,  so you're more like cholera to team unity. You had a workout in LA and nobody came to watch except a couple of kids and your agent. Sounds like a Keanu Reeves movie after 2001 or a Vandy game since.....well, ever. Your career started out well in San Francisco and died in Cincinnati, you're like a sad reverse of the Oregon Trail game.

Speaking of dead, where are all the Tennessee coaches? Probably couldn't get out of the deer stand or off work from the DOT. I understand. It's hard to get to Georgia when you've hocked you car to bond out half the players on your roster anyway. Good work hiring Lane Kiffin though, an unproven, loudmouth, overpaid jerk from out of town that screwed you and left after one bad year, all that was left was probation, tears and a string of people getting arrested and moving out. Sounds like a paternity test show from Jerry Springer.

And we come to our guest of honor, Tennessee fan and former hillbilly, Kenny Chesney. Kenny, you fruity little man. You have pec implants. You were married to Renee Zellweger and she annulled it in a day, saying it was "fraudulent," just like your music. You went from flannel shirts to shell necklaces quicker than criminal charges get dismissed in Gainesville, Florida.  Look at your pre-worn cowboy hat and fake tan, you look like the Backstreet Boys and the Village People fell in a blender with Ricky Martin. You've ruined country music worse than the 90's ruined Eddie Murphy, you're like the Beverly Hills Cop 3 of Nashville. Somehow, you have so many hits. More hits than Lindsay took in her limo before she got here. More hits than Arkansas has fans. Your name has been on the charts more than Steven Garcia gets chances at South Carolina, and by charts I mean at the clinic after your last Key West visit. How do you get away with copying Jimmy Buffett? You're like a  redneck Milli Vanilli, you've Robbed and Fabbed your way to the top but instead of a repeating tape, you've got Uncle Kracker.

So, enjoy your night Kenny. My hat is off to you, as are my ears and eyes. Here's to the only man who can turn the Grand Ole Opry into Club Med.