Things People Don't Say in Cassville

I love Internet epidemics. They have replaced the news as my information highway and window to the outside world.  Nothing helps me get through a stressful day like looking at "standing broom" pictures, Twitter controversies, and fake Youtube videos of Sasquatches, killer whales eating people off the beach and the latest "Pants on The Ground" song that people like for about 48 hours. Simon Cowell is having a snarky Twitter fight with Steven Tyler? There's a video of a dog drinking a dry martini? Sold. I need laughs and the American public never fails to amuse me.

One thing that did not amuse me this week was The Fray's rendition of the National Anthem during the Kentucky-Kansas game. I already disliked their music (as I do all modern "rock") but they have elevated themselves into the Kenny Chesney zone with me. Three acoustic guitars, a tamborine and three guys in sweater vests/baby Gap t-shirts massacring a wonderful song by making it sound like something from "Dawson's Creek." Seriously, it was like a talentless high school band playing "Brown Eyed Girl" in a Caribou Coffee somwhere in suburban Hell. I thought about three things as they wailed mercilessly and the Kentucky/Kansas faithful contemplated getting another beverage....

1) I wish one of those Marines would just cleave the lead singer's head off with his sword;
2) The parties responsible for choosing this horrendous abomination need to be busted down to mail room duty;
3) I actually miss Whitney Houston.

This one will become a Youtube sensation, I guarantee it. It was right up there with Roseanne and Carl Lewis.

Ok, back to funny stuff. One of the more recent epidemics that has appeared on Youtube is "S**t People Say/Don't Say in _________." That blank can be filled by anything. States, cities, and colleges are the usual culprits. Many of them also incorporate gender/race/social standing into their lists, which makes it completely hilarious. For example, "S**t White People Don't Say in Compton." See? You are hooked already. It's like watching old people back into a parking space, it's going to be awkward, very amusing and you just can't turn away. This actually happened to me yesterday while I was eating lunch outside. This elderly man in a Ford F-150 pulled into the crowded parking lot, surveyed the open spaces and decided to back into the space that was bordered by a large oak tree on the left and a Dodge Ram 3500 on the right. There were other spaces next to small cars. There were spaces with NO cars next to them. Of course, he picks THE MOST difficult space. I counted eight times that he pulled forward and backed up before he finally turned off the ignition. In the amount of time it took for him to finish, I could have 1) smashed all The Fray's guitars Belushi-style and gone to jail; 2) watched a season of the Sopranos; and 3) counted the number of people who swear they saw an Adam's Apple in Brittney Griner's throat this week.

Northwest Georgia culture, specifically Cassville, has some words, phases, ideas, values and expressions that are used every single day. For example:

"Man, I hope the Braves won last night."
"How's your momma 'n them?"
"Y'all ain't right!"
"That deer had 17 points, I swear!"
"Brad, I would have the money for that credit you gave me last week but Daddy's bond was $750 and we pawned my brother's Playstation and his bird gun but it wasn't enough, sorry."

You will hear that nearly every single day without fail. I got to wondering though, what would you NOT hear in Cassville? What phrases would not be uttered on the benches of Cass Grocery? What ideas are taboo from the Cedar Creek dumpsters to the New Macedonia Holiness Antioch Bread of Life Full Bible Church? I thought long and hard about this, remembering my days of listening to stories about bar fights, fishing at Lake Weiss, who got arrested at Edwards Trailer Park last night, who could pick up bags of horse feed with one hand (my uncle Mark) and what environmental illegality somebody just committed with a car muffler. It has been mulled over and perused more times than the Health Care Reform Act, except this will not cost you anything. This list is brought to you by RealTree Low Carb Energy Drinks (I'm more jittery than a meth addict at a roadblock, thanks), Purell Hand Sanitizer (somebody said, "the Wal-Mart brand is cheaper" and I replied that I'd rather rub molten lava on my hands), and the tire rut in the parking lot at my Dallas office. The Jetta can" get on it" too, what can I say?

Things You Will Not Hear in Cassville, Georgia (at any time, anywhere)

1) "We just don't need another Waffle House."

2) "I'm just so glad the carpenter bees come back every spring."

3) "Y'alls gas prices are low enough."

4) "You know, I always get the best service at Lowe's. Everybody there knows so much!"

5) "I hate working on cars. I get no joy out of installing lift kits, drive shafts, or rear axles."

6) "I never need plumbing supplies."

7) "Let's go to a Hawks game!"

8) "When I really think about it, Jeff Gordon is pretty good for the diversity of NASCAR. I like what he brings to the table. He is also heterosexual."

9) "No, no, no....it's soda pop."

10) "I really enjoyed La Boheme at the Fox last night."

11) "Let's not put out all these Christmas lights this year."

12) "I don't secretly like to cut my grass because I just bought a $4,000 Ex Mark."

13) "My wife and I really enjoy fishing trips to Allatoona together."

14) "My husband was right."

15) "Cherokee, North Carolina is a place I cannot see myself going."

16) "Killing a deer just does nothing for me."

17) "Put out that cigarette, you know it causes low birth weight!"

18) "You don't like Moon Pies? Cool. Me neither."

19) "Do y'all happen to carry Sweetwater 420 or Terrapin here?"

20) "That song is on my Ipod!"

21) "I don't get into fights at my kid's baseball games. My kid is also not that good, I'm just glad he enjoys the game."

22) "Do you have unsweet tea?"

23) "Bumper Stickers are just car graffiti."

24) "I'm not going to buy a 4-Wheeler with my bonus check."

25) "That Prius I just bought really has done wonders for my gas mileage. I don't miss that Mustang one bit."

26) "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer little known craft beers made in Europe."

27) "Dale Earnhardt was such a jerk on the track."

28) "I'm happy with the current administration. They seem to operate in an efficient manner and care about the little man. I hope they come by my house to campaign during the next election."

29) "Technically, moonshiners did break the law."

30) "I have never gotten angry for any reason and moved churches. I have also only been saved once."

31) "Hmmm, I'll have a Pepsi."

Those are just a few examples (one for every year of my life) of what you will not hear in the 30123. At least from a native, that is. If somebody asks for Hunt's Ketchup, discusses the speed of their internet, their relative happiness with their pay structure at work or attends sporting events not involving a ball, a car, an animal or punching someone in the face.....they are not from Cassville.

As for The Fray, well, they better not show up in Cassville. Not after what they did. You know why?

32) "We ain't armed, don't worry about it."