Profiles in Cassville: How To Tell Bad Things Are Going To Happen

Considering all the negativity in the world right now, it is a wonder we all get along as well as we do. The entire nation is focused on Florida and the racial strife that has resulted from the death of Trayvon Martin. I always wonder a couple of things about these nationwide issues:

1) Who is really affected and truly at a loss?
2) Who is just trying to get on TV and have their fifteen minutes of fame?

I am no judge or jury and I know nothing of the incident other than what the news "reports." I just hope it is resolved in a just manner, those in the wrong are punished, those in the right are vindicated and NOBODY gets rich off the story. Profiting from death is reserved for governments and oil companies! (joking, of course. Or not.)

The incident has risen new questions about profiling. Does it happen in America frequently? Oh I don't know, maybe every nanosecond??? Human beings are not capable of viewing each other with impartiality, of this I am certain. I'm not just talking about race. I'm talking about socioeconomics in their entirety....appearance, financial condition, and behavior. Nobody can admit that they do not take this into account when meeting someone out in the world. Anyone who says that is a liar, blind and deaf or has attended way too many Grateful Dead concerts.

Then there are actions that cause one to lump another into a certain group of people. At Cass Grocery, I always profiled people's actions. You had to profile like that or you wouldn't survive up there. Profiling helped me catch thieves, stop scams, save my family money and keep our doors open all those years. So when it comes to that kind of profiling, I am totally in favor. I could always tell when something bad was about to happen. I could always point out the person who was going to try to distract me while their buddy stole cigarettes. Or who would reset the gas pump over and over, getting $2.00 each time, then come in claiming they only got $2.00 when they got $10.00. Quick change artists. Bad check passers. People who wanted credit that had no intention of paying us back. They were all the same.

Bad things do happen in Cassville from time to time, as with any small town in northwest Georgia. Drama is not reserved for petty Housewives, the Jersey Shore, or whatever Kardashian is inexplicably appearing on television today. I'm not talking about murder or terrorism here either, it's just that you can sense when some form of illegal activity is about to take place or when something unfortunate is about to befall someone. I guess those of us who worked at Cass Grocery had the ability to detect these shenanigans quicker than most because we knew everybody and their tendencies. I cannot count the times I've watched a customer leave the parking lot and Billy would say, "I'm glad I ain't in that house today." So, I compiled a list from my experiences to educate y'all on how to know when something bad has happened or will happen in the 30123. This list is brought to you by the potholes on Cass-White Road, Old Milwaukee Light, Orange County Choppers, Bacarri Rambo's brownies, and the criminal trial calendar of the Superior Courts of Bartow, Floyd, Gordon, Polk and Cherokee Counties.

How to Know Something Bad is Going To Happen in Cassville

1) When a man speeds into the parking lot of Cass Grocery, slams on the brakes and walks quickly inside. The left side of his face is swollen and red. His t-shirt collar is stretched beyond repair. He says nothing when he walks in and buys a 22 ounce Budweiser and a box of .38 shells. He lays drag as he leaves the store.

Possibilities:

He is going to shoot somebody, likely his wife's boyfriend.

He is going to shoot property, likely a car or something valuable to himself or another person.

Dale Junior lost Daytona on the last lap, he slammed his head against the wall, tore at his shirt, decided to keep drinking and possibly shoot something in his agony.

2) Somebody other than a DOT employee is carrying a piece of Re-Bar longer than 3 feet in their hand.

Possibilities:

Busted Glass
Busted Face
Car Immobilization
Human Immobilization

3) Anytime somebody says, "There's going to be a fight in Acworth tonight" coupled with references to "my old lady."

Possibilities:

He is going to fight his wife's boyfriend in a trailer park on Glade Road in the near future. There are no other possibilities. Cassville people don't make empty threats.

4) When somebody walks to the store and makes a call on the payphone. They do not face the store and they talk longer than five minutes, nervously twisting the phone line in their hand. A random, unknown car arrives and the person hangs up and gets in. You don't see them for at least a week or ever again.

Possibilities:

Drugs
Prostitution
Black Market Sale
Senate Subcommittee meeting about the tax implications of the Health Care Reform Act.

5) When a man or woman come in the store and do not instantly shop or they walk aimlessly around the candy rack. They stand around nervously and wait for all other customers to leave. They approach the counter, inquire about the progress of your day so far, and start off with "Hey, uh, man, uh....I hate to do this....."

Possibilities:

They want to buy beer on credit and recite the ever popular "I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today" speech

They tell me that I will receive a phone call from the police in the future and if I would gladly confirm that they were at store with me from 3:00-7:00 the day before, they would appreciate it.

They want to sell me a rarely used Glock 9 mm for $75.

How to Tell That Something has Happened in Cassville

1) Take the same scenario from #5 above. It goes both ways.

Possibilities:

They have decided to run from the law for various reasons and they wanted to pay me for the cigarettes they got on credit yesterday before they take off to Alabama (Cassville people always run to Alabama. I don't know why. It's the proverbial Twilight Zone of legal liability, apparently.)

They just got dropped off by a strange, unknown car after being picked up at the payphone. They need to borrow $20, some Formula 409, some 2 Cycle oil and three gallons of bleach.

2) The guy who talked about the "fight in Acworth" and his "old lady" appears with a black eye in the latest Busted paper, smiling, with "Aggravated Assault, Battery and Terroristic Threats" under his name.

Possibilities:

He followed through. Cassvillians don't play. They quit first grade on account of recess.

3) A 90's model, two door SUV is driving 50 miles per hour in the wrong direction down a one-way cemetery road. Five people are crammed in the vehicle, there's a "Bobby's Title Pawn" tag on the back and a Rebel flag bandanna dangling from the rearview. (Happened to me yesterday)

Possibilities:

A massive amount of methamphetamine was just unloaded in the woods in the back of the cemetery.

A chicken fight was just raided and they booked it into the cemetery to duck the cops.

They were late to their SAT prep class and took a shortcut through the cemetery.

4) You are on your way to Gulf Shores, Alabama on I-65 below Montgomery and a car pulls beside you, honking the horn and waving. It's somebody from back home. You yell out the door, "what are you doin??" They reply, "Runnin!" and speed off into oblivion (or Bolivian, if you are Mike Tyson). (True story, too)

Possibilities:

Use your imagination. I told you, Alabama is legal purgatory for northwest Georgians.

5) A man comes in the store, with mud covering his feet, legs and all the way up to his waist. There is mud in his hair. He stops at the front, knocks some of the mud off his boots, walks in and says, "Boy, you ain't gonna believe this..."

Possibilities:

Every water line in his house busted and he needs 173 PVC 90 degree elbows, ten cans of pipe glue and two twelve packs of Budweiser to get through it.

They were riding at the power lines after a rain and every single all terrain vehicle is now stuck in the mud. He needs thirty feet of chain, three giant hooks and two twelve packs of Budweiser to get through it.

All of these scenarios were witnessed by me or someone at the store at some point. You get used to it after awhile. That's where the "profiling" comes in. So, when you see somebody acting nervous and talking about Alabama, you know they are heading for the Switzerland of Southern Justice. You will understand what to expect when you see a shirtless, tattooed man walking with a six foot piece of Re-Bar toward his ex-wife's car. You will not wonder what's going on when you see somebody on a payphone at 3 AM get into a random Camaro with out of state plates....

They are going to a State Senate hearing about the intricacies of high interest ARM loans before their tee time at East Lake Golf Club. Get a clue.