Recap of the Weekend: Dawgs win by the skin of our whatchamcallit

First of all, let me apologize to my loyal readers about the lack of UGA football posts. Frankly, the games have been rather inconsequential to this point. The closest game we have had since the season started was the 41-20 beating we gave Missouri. We clobbered FAU and Vandy like they stole something, most people at the Pourhouse stopped watching those games and started talking about more important things, like the best sushi on the Lower East Side or how slow the "R" train has been during the latest construction. The FAU game was the biggest snoozer of all, in fact, I think the Pourhouse had to buy ESPN Gameplan to get it on the television. Have you ever watched a regional ESPN Gameplan broadcast? It looks like one of those old home videos my brother and I used to make in the early 90's. You get motion sickness from the awesome camera work and the announcers sound like the guys who also commentate for Smoky Mountain Wrestling.

This weekend was slightly different, however. We finally got a primetime TV slot on a big network, playing a heated rival at home. Recipe for success, right? As I walked to the Pourhouse, I walked through a "Free Palestine" protest in Union Square. One guy had a sign that said, "Take Palestine back from the baby-killing spawn of Satan" or something to that effect. It's always nice to see New Yorkers enjoying their weekends. I can think of nothing better than to get off work on Friday and tell my family, "Kids, instead of going to Central Park and playing baseball tomorrow, let's say we go down to Union Square and blatantly offend people we don't like? Yay!!!!" I swear, get over yourselves, you live in the greatest city in the world. If you want to be pissed off about something that is thousands of miles away, be mad that the moon is not made of spare ribs. (+1 for SNL reference)

We piled into the Pourhouse and realized that the bar was split in half, as Virginia Tech also calls the bar "home" for their alumni. They had a riveting matchup against Cincinnati and a capacity crowd of 22 people filled the other half of the bar. I swear I heard a mouse sneeze over there during the third quarter. Anyhow, we affixed our posteriors in our usual spot and awaited kickoff. Quentin (aka Qdoba to me) and I were discussing that if we did not turn the ball over, we would massacre the Cheeto-colored heathens from the Smoky Mountains without much trouble. For some reason, I just did not feel great about the game from the get-go. Something was amiss. Can these people, who have to go to Dollywood for fun, beat us at home? Can these people, who apparently do not get drunk enough orally, upset this whole thing for us?

Our freshman running backs decided to make this game their personal track meet. "Gurshall," to which they are affectionately being referred, made a mockery of the UT defense all day. Gurley dragged guys all over the field and Keith Marshall broke two runs that made UT's secondary look like the Falcons on Tecmo Bowl. The Falcons were always terrible on Tecmo Bowl. I always played as the Raiders and would handoff to Bo Jackson. Just run Bo to the right and hold down "A." I would win 76-0 every time. Keith did his best Bo Jackson-Tecmo Bowl impersonation on his first touchdown. He just decided he was going to score, and it was so. The safety came near him and it was like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix stopping bullets.....he held out his hand and calmly said "No." We were up big in the blink of an eye, the only glaring mistake was Murray's interception. I felt my body relax and we all toasted to the Dawgs and our apparent victory that was going to be easier than finding a funnel cake in Pigeon Forge.

Wrong. In 4:30, Tennessee scored 20 points. Four-%^$**((&*((&UJH&& minutes and thirty ^&%**&& seconds. I asked Qdoba, "did we have a stroke after that last touchdown?" First, Malcolm Mitchell misplays a punt and puts us in a hole. This is getting to be a common occurence with him. Bobo does his patented "let's telegraph what we are going to do" offensive scheme and Tennessee gets great field position. They score with relative ease. Then Murray fumbles on a sack and AJ Johnson recovers for Tennessee. Easy score. Then Marshall fumbles and they recover. Another easy score. Gurley mishandles a kickoff. Marshall Morgan proved that the crossbar in Athens does indeed have a bullseye on it. The defensive backs are getting beat repeatedly. Murray gets that freshman "what the hell is happening" face and Richt's facial expression says, "Ya know, maybe I should cut the grass tomorrow. No, I'll let Kathryn do it. Then maybe we will get ice cream. Yeah, ice cream." I was beside myself and Qdoba was worried that I was going to headbutt our table in half. In 4:30, I can do the following activities:

1) Run 4/5 of a mile.
2) Eat seven hot dogs and a whole plate of fusilli from Angelo's in Little Italy
3) Ride the subway for forty blocks
4) Try to watch the news without vomiting
5) Learn and master the "stanky leg" dance

Tennessee can apparently score three touchdowns. Chagrin and shenanigans. Luckily, Artie Lynch came up big with a huge catch and somehow, by the grace of God, Zeus, Poseidon, the Wizard of Oz and C-3PO, Marshall Morgan made a 50 yard field goal. (C3PO was a god to the Ewoks, don't act like you forgot) Halftime was 30-30 and it should have been 42-10. I grumbled and went to the restroom. I checked in on the Virginia Tech game as I went back. They were playing Monopoly and Yahtzee with mimosas in hand, so I left them alone. Seriously, I did not want my eyes scratched out by interrupting a chick who is about to buy Marvin Gardens with two hotels. You just don't want that kind of trouble. However, I cannot help but point out a great ACC moment from the day: The bar let out a roar when the score from the Georgia Tech game appeared on the screen. Beaten at home by three touchdowns by the University of Murfreesboro-West Nashville. Congratulations Middle Tennessee State, you gained about 94,000 new fans on Saturday. Tech, please keep Paul Johnson forever. Purty, please? It's like having Reggie Ball back on the Flats and he's giving us free pizza to boot.

As I devoured the calamari ordered by Qdoba, I contemplated the second half. I thought about the fight between Cole Trickle and Harry Hogge on Days of Thunder. Randy Quaid said one of the best lines ever, which cannot be repeated here, but it sums up my feelings about the second quarter. The defense needed to step up and special teams had to wake up. As we trotted back out, I felt a little better. Murray had a determined look and Grantham appeared as if he had just eaten a truck tire with chains on it, so I knew we would be fired up. The offense was superb and Murray was finding guys everywhere. Bennett. Brown. Rome. King. Catch after catch they made in traffic, wide open, slanting, posting, hooking, flagging, Riverdancing......you name it. I have to point out King's effort in the first quarter when he dragged AJ Johnson four yards and almost scored. That was an NFL play right there. In the second half, we looked so crisp. Marshall and Gurley ripped UT's heart out with run after run, just abusing their linebackers and secondary. Michael Bennett caught two awesome passes for touchdowns. Our defensive line was the weak point on this day. John Jenkins, Abry Jones, Kwame Geathers and Cornelius Washington were no-shows. UT's linemen blew them up all game, we got no push and Bray can throw the damn football. That guy is scary and I'm glad he's gone after this year. Neal, their subpar running back, did his best Reggie Cobb impression. (90's Dawg fans will remember this guy. He KILLED us every time we played.) Our linebackers played fair but it seemed as if they were a step slow. Luckily for us, Sanders Commings and Damian Swann came to play. Three turnovers by Tennessee doomed them, just as three turnovers by us let their sorry butts back in the game. It does not matter how fast and talented you are, if you put the ball on the ground and you cannot kick, you can lose to anyone. Just ask Tech. (except Tech is not talented, fast, good, smart, athletic, worthwhile or relevant.)

Now we draw Carolina, an away game against a 6-0 opponent who had to come back to beat Kentucky and almost lost to Vandy. See? Anybody can have an off day. We had ours and we survived. Let's leave it at that and prepare for a bloodbath against the impostor, SEC coattail-riding Lamecocks. A team that has accomplished next to nothing in their history. A school that has one conference championship in their ENTIRE history: the 1969 ACC Championship. A school that is most famous for hosting a fake football team, the ESU Wolves, in their stadium. (+1 for The Program reference) I can see Jarvis Jones in the film room now:

Coach: "Jarvis, what do you do on this play?"

Jarvis: "Hit the tight end so hard his girlfriend dies."

Go Dawgs.