Recap of the C(r)apital One Bowl: Corn shucked, Tide Rolled, SEC dominance continues

Well, bowl season has come and gone. A two week slate of gridiron grudge matches pitting 6-6 teams against each other in the Pocket Lint Bowl in East Bumble, Tennessee. Seriously, could the matchups have been worse? Better yet, could there possibly be more? I swear, 87 bowl games were played across the nation and very few of them incited any fanfare or interest. We have a new (old) champion in the Alabama Crimson Tide, who seem to make a habit of dismantling out of conference opponents like a 5 year old losing interest in his Lego fort. It was like Muhammad Ali of 1965 fighting Muhammad Ali of 2012. Notre Dame woke up no echoes on this day. The only echo I heard was "Noooooooooo!" as their championship hopes were thrown from a cliff and "poofed" in the dirt like Wile E. Coyote after another futile try to catch the Roadrunner. The SEC turned in an impressive bowl performance, save Florida and Mississippi State, who laid stinkbombs in their games. Florida was especially terrible. They had 4,235 yards of unsportsmanlike conduct/personal foul penalties, Will Muschamp had seven strokes, and the Florida "fanbase" just sat there stunned while a bunch of motivated nobodies pummeled them. Jeff Driskell did his best "Let's Panic and See If That Helps" routine and turned the ball over more times than an Auburn fan can count. It was like a Nutella milkshake with a side of steak on a fishing boat in the Keys with both of my grandfathers. That was my level of enjoyment. Thank you Teddy Bridgewater, I'm naming my next pet after you.

The Dawgs faced the Nebraska Cornhuskers in the Capital One Bowl on New Year's Day. Another ****** Capital One Bowl. We are the kings of the Capital One Bowl, followed closely by the Outback Bowl. If the Capital One Bowl were children, we would be Octomom. If the Outback Bowl were cuss words, we would be a Quentin Tarantino movie. Mark Richt should be the spokesperson for both.

Richt (in Crocodile Dundee regalia): "Why don't we put another shrimp on the barbie with our new Capital One card? With low, low interest rates and free rewards, that Dawg WILL hunt! G'day, y'all!"
(insert 3-4 UGA players pulling up in a go-cart and one says "the dingo ate your baby!")

Shoot me. I guess the draw was two programs hoping to revive past glory after disappointing losses in their conference championships. Nebraska was clubbed like a harp seal by Wisconsin, who lost their coach and only played because Ohio State was on probation. We came within 4 yards of the national championship. 4 terrible, awful, no good yards. 12 feet. 144 inches. Thinking about it makes me want to vomit. It's like downloading ITunes only to find out that your only choices are Lady Gaga, a bluegrass tribute to Led Zeppelin album and Right Said Fred. It's like getting a tee time at Augusta National and forgetting your putter. It's a thousand paper cuts, forks scraping plates and screaming 6 year olds wanting ice cream. Pure, unadulterated hell. I watched a replay of it and instantly threw myself into a subway puddle.

Anyhow, we teed it up and made the best of it. Our guys looked good running out of the tunnel. Thankfully, without black jerseys on. I am so tired of the fake juice Blackouts and the constant underlying threat of our teams wearing them for big games. Just put on the silver britches and freakin' hit somebody! Aaron Murray came out firing on all cylinders. For a man who has had some downs in his career, Aaron has had a tremendous amount of ups lately. The guy can simply throw a football as good as anyone in the country. He bombed Nebraska all afternoon. The vaunted #1 pass defense in the nation was shredded by our receivers to the tune of 427 yards. That's 1,281 feet. 15,372 inches. I guess it's easy to lead the nation in pass defense playing the likes of Idaho State, Arkansas State, Iowa, Minnesota, a probation-crippled Penn State and an 0-12 Southern Miss team. Real impressive resume there.

Our defense was quite suspect at first. Frankly, they have been suspect many times this season. Jenkins and Geathers did not play well this season. Many people fear that the NFL dream got into their head and they were worried about getting injured. People ran up the gut on us all year. Kentucky had their best game against us. Alabama rushed for 350 yards. Tech and Georgia Southern had field days, statistically. Hell, even Buffalo had some success running the ball. Nebraska obviously watched film because Ameer Abdullah ran. And ran. And ran. This little guy from Homewood, Alabama had an excellent first half. Thank God for Murray, King, Gurley and a blocked punt or we would have been down at the half by 10 or more. Todd Gurley is quickly becoming a legend. He was voted Freshman All-America, probably earned the starting nod against Clemson next season and was featured in the latest Lil Wayne music video knocking out a tiger bare handed. (Ok, I made that up. Sue me.)

The second half began inauspiciously. Nebraska ran the ball right down our throats, 75 yards for a score that chewed the clock like a water buffalo in South Africa. Now, we are down by eight points and the defense looks like hell. Grantham picked up a kicking tee and began to chew on it. I think Richt even said "darn it." Cue Chris Conley. The boy from Paulding County, Georgia. The Dallas Dart. The Hiram High Speed Missile. Murray finds him for a 49 yard score and then hooks up with Rhett McGowan to tie the score. Another northwest Georgia boy. The Gordon County Grabber. The Calhoun Catch Machine. The Sugar Valley Snagger. We force a three and out and Murray goes right back to work. We get to the 24 yard line and he connects with Keith Marshall on a beautiful pass and catch for the go-ahead score. Keith is going to be a great one, y'all. Nobody in the league will catch this guy from behind. There are still burn marks on Auburn's field from Keith's touchdown run there.

When Nebraska comes back out on the field, I notice some serious jawing going on between Shawn Williams and their quarterback, Taylor Martinez. This jawing also coincided with Nebraska's offense shutting down and doing nothing. News flash, Taylor. You are not in Corona, California anymore. You are dealing with a man from Damascus, Georgia. Early County. While you were cruising to the mall, he was lifting weights in an outdated gym with hand-me-down equipment. While you were having cul-de-sac parties and listening to John Mayer, he was having fish fries on the banks of the Flint River. While you were getting your awesome barbed wire tattoo, he was running on his dirt road, thinking about you. Things soured for Nebraska quickly and they had to punt once again. Murray lined us up on our own thirteen yard line and called the signals. Receivers ran their routes and Chris Conley broke open on a tunnel screen. 87 yards later, there was not a Nebraska defender in sight and Chris was halfway to Valdosta before he stopped. If you ever wanted to see SEC speed at its finest, Youtube that play. It was like a video game. In fact, I can only think of five things faster than Chris Conley:

1) Keith Marshall

2) The pace of the Florida fanbase jumping off the bandwagon

3) Charlie Weis's heartrate

4) Me, upon finding out about a free cannoli giveaway at Cafe Palermo in Little Italy

5) Lou Holtz trying to find a new pair of Depends before his segment about how Notre Dame could have beaten Alabama, if every player on Alabama's team contracted malaria at halftime, drank a roofied Gatorade and were put in strait jackets.

It was 45-31 then and the game fizzled into a clock running snoozer until it ended. Shawn Williams decleated Martinez on the next to last play of the game and screamed something into his earhole. I was hoping the UGA beat writer would ask Shawn what he said, but alas he did not. I guess he did not want his article to look like a script from Django Unchained. A good win in an unceremonious bowl game. There was one thing I did realize that made me sad, though. I'll never see Tavarres King catch another pass in a Georgia uniform. He dropped the last pass Murray threw to him, a beauty that would have made the score 52-31. I wonder if he thought about that as he ran to the sidelines. I will never see Jarvis sack another quarterback or jar the ball loose from an unsuspecting defender. I've enjoyed the Predator references in this blog and I will never bestow that title upon anyone else, I promise. The shoulder gun belongs to Jarvis in perpetuity. No more Shawn Williams. No more Ogletree. No more Rambo. No more Richard Samuel. I'm so proud of my fellow Cass High graduate. He is a Dawg legend simply for one amazing quarter on one amazing night in Jacksonville. I follow each and every recruiting class we get and I will miss these guys terribly. 2008 and 2010 were forgettable years, but I believe those days prepared us for the greatness of 2012.

In other news, Aaron Murray has announced that he will return for 2013. This instantly boosts our stock for next season. We go to Clemson in our first game and I can think of nobody I would rather have leading us on the field than Aaron. He has earned his day in the sun and I hope he can carry us to new heights in 2013. Malcolm Mitchell returns. Conley returns. Gurshall. Every single offensive lineman. I'm telling y'all right now, barring injuries, 2013 could be another special year. 235 days to kickoff! Go Dawgs!

Other highlights:

1) Florida State played Northern Illinois in the Orange Bowl. They won. 26 people watched the game, which was one more than Alaska Tech's game against Southeastern Guatemala A&M.

2) Alabama just scored another touchdown and Brent Musburger is dancing in the mirror to "Call Me Maybe" while looking at a still picture of AJ McCarron's girlfriend. What a dirty old man.

3) In a moment of clarity, at the post game conference, Coach Richt wisely said, "It's more fun to win than to lose." It's also colder in Canada than in Mexico, oceans are bigger than lakes, 2 is more than 1 and Florida had the worst bowl game of any SEC team and their fanbase bailed on them quicker than the rich people on the Titanic. (sorry, those are some of the most obvious things in the world to me right now.)

4) I think the statement "they didn't beat us, we beat ourselves" should be banned. Louis Nix, the nose guard from Notre Dame, said something to this effect after their game. Nebraska players also went this route to explain their loss. I mean seriously, if you "beat yourself" to the tune of 42-14 and 45-31...that's just pure masochism.

5) I am happy for Alabama. I really am. I have many wonderful friends who attended this fine institution and for them, I am pleased. However, I am not of the "SEC! SEC!" crowd anymore and my fellow Dawgs should jump off this bandwagon now. Alabama's victory is theirs and theirs alone. They will use this to recruit against us and I don't blame them. Our other rivals have done the same. They are not sharing this trophy. We are not getting a day with the trophy to take a team picture with it. We are not raising any flags before our first home game. Some people have questioned me on my stance, "this is a Southern thing, man! You, of all people, should understand that." Hey, you will not find a more proud Southerner than I. I have proven this my entire life. I am loyal to my state and my institution beyond measure. However, conference loyalty, to me, is totally Pyrrhic. What have the last seven championships gotten us? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Maybe some pride, but what is that worth?