**Sidenote: "On account of" is one of my favorite Southern sayings. I have never heard any other culture use this phrase. It is usually said when blaming others for your problems or reasons why someone has fallen ill.
"Dakota was kicked outta school on account of that damn teacher upair (up there). She ain't heard the end of this. He won that fake Rebel flag tattoo at Six Flags, far (fair) and squar (square)."
"Chastity was not at school today, on account of her bronchitis." (Southern people tend to get bronchitis more than any demographic in the known universe.) Here are my sentiments regarding bronchitis:
Anyhow, in other great news, Lynyrd Skynyrd will be in concert tomorrow night at the Beacon Theater and I will be there. I see this concert as a golden opportunity to renew my "Southernness." Three straight hours of "Swamp Music," "Tuesday's Gone," "Call Me the Breeze" and "Gimme Three Steps." (at least I hope they play these underrated songs) I jump at the chance to revisit my roots. I am not afraid to dust off my Russell moccasins, my faded Georgia Bulldog t-shirt and relive some glory days. There are other Southern things that I may need at this concert and I have inquired by phone to the Beacon management to see if they can be done:
1) A creamed corn fountain;
2) A redneck toddler with a Kool-Aid mustache, a full diaper, and his momma on her cell phone arguing about child support, puffing a Newport;
3) People drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon because they actually like it (seriously, what is this new urban obsession with PBR? Cassville people have been drinking this crap FOR-EV-ER) (+1 for Sandlot reference);
4) When someone says "hell yeah!" it sounds like "Ha-yul ye-uh!" rather than "Hall ya!" or somebody than pronounces "Tuesday" like "Toosdee." ;
5) Somebody in the crowd has on a Bill Elliott t-shirt
My co-workers are already on notice about my lack of productivity before and after this concert takes place. Skynyrd is not so popular here and many people are not aware that they sing any other songs outside of "Freebird" and "Sweet Home Alabama." This is tragic, but a reality, and a testament to regional differences. Honestly, Southern people, name two New York Dolls songs right now without going to Wikipedia. (FYI: it's a band, not a house of ill repute) Finally, I purchased my Allman Brothers Band tickets for the March 15th show. They will be here from March 1 - March 16. This is a lifelong dream coming true, as I have always wanted to see them live in New York City. Strangely, unlike Skynyrd, they are immensely popular here and the tickets for all SIXTEEN shows sold out in a manner of minutes. So yes, I can say Happy Monday and mean it!
I know one person who cannot say the same.....Lance Armstrong. The world's most decorated cyclist is about to become the latest pariah in sports history. Today, he is expected to admit that he doped during his incredible Tour de France victory streak and basically confirm what most people figured all along. Do I care? Not really. I never watched the Tour de France. In fact, I cannot tell you when it takes place, how long it takes or who has won the damn thing before or after Lance. The same can be said for soccer outside the World Cup, swimming other than the Olympic games and almost all winter sports. They could dope, cheat, lie, throw games, conspire, retire and set the stadium on fire and I would not know the difference.
What makes me sad is that so many athletes of my generation are being exposed as frauds, cheaters, dopers, criminals, drunks, addicts, gamblers, and some who are just bad people. McGwire, Clemens, Sosa and Bonds....four men who captivated baseball during an era of revival for the sport that had lost so many fans to a strike....all cast down with Pete Rose, Shoeless Joe Jackson and others who will likely never make the Hall of Fame. They will be known for steroid use and Congressional hearings rather than home runs or ERA. Tiger Woods. Mike Tyson. Kobe Bryant. Hell, somebody tried to throw Michael Jordan under the bus for gambling HIS OWN money on golf games in the offseason. The guy wrote a whole damn book about it. The media has even reached back in time with their scandalous bloodlust. It's like they flipped a switch in the 1990's.
BEFORE: Mickey Mantle - # 7, 536 home runs, multiple World Series championships, MVPs, Triple Crown, New York Yankee legend, centerfielder, Hall of Famer
AFTER: Mickey Mantle - #7, 536 home runs, drunk, womanizer, MVP, bar room brawler, New York Yankee legend, alcoholic, centerfielder, Hall of Famer
The Mick never cheated. Maybe he was hungover during some games. Maybe he got into fights. Frankly, I do not care about any of those things. I like to remember him as an icon of a simpler time, back when people minded their own business, and went to the ballpark to see him in all his greatness. To hear my Dad talk of him like he was larger than life. Even Mom, who does not follow sports very closely, knows something about Mickey Mantle. So what if Mickey and Billy Martin got into a fistfight with randoms at the Copacabana? So what if he stayed out all night at the Plaza Hotel? He's not stealing from you. He's not forcing you to the ballpark. Media people knew Mickey partied, but they stayed out of his personal life, out of respect for him, his team and baseball. So what if Charles Barkley threw a guy through a window in a bar in Wisconsin? I met Charles once at the Four Seasons Hotel in Atlanta. You could not ask for a nicer, more genuine guy than Charles Barkley. Or that Kobe runs around with twenty five girlfriends or that Tiger's car was wrecked by his own nine-iron. I am not justifying the dopers or the frauds. They tarnished their game, their results are not true and any victory or records they have should be null and void. However, as the great Don Henley once said, "people love it when you lose, they love Dirty Laundry." Where does it end?
I think back to all the people from Cassville I know. None of them were perfect, nor am I. I knew people who drank too much. Got into fights. Spent time in jail or prison. If I judged these people like the country judges these athletes, I would have to read comic books to find heroes and friends. (+1 for Randy Travis song reference) I liked these people because they WERE characters, not in spite of their character. These people are interesting, not homogeneous robots with no story to tell. Imagine childhood without scraped knees, black eyes and bloody noses. It would the same if these guys towed the morality line every single minute of the day. I would have no blog or stories to tell you.
Like Billy, who used to tell us of nights at an underground watering hole in Kingston, Georgia where it was so rough that "you'd get knifed for lookin' at somebody crossways" or Tom, who would talk of wading through a sea of drunken fighters in bars all across Georgia. Another guy who discussed the time my great-grandfather paid him to haul illegal liquor for him back in the 1940's or my great uncle who drove the souped-up Ford that ran interference for it all. His brother, a combat veteran of WWII, used to own the store before Dad. He was a character himself who once got thrown in jail in North Carolina for staying past sunset in a town where he was not welcome. He did not go down without a fight, that much is true. Take Rick, who would smoke five Winstons in 10 minutes and tell me how he "whupped ever' (every) ice (ass) in Centre, Alabama" one night in 1984. Or our neighbor Johnny, who at 16 years old, wiped out this 25 year old guy from New York in the Big Lots parking lot who made a crass remark about his sister's posterior. I mean, he just cold-cocked this guy and stood over him and said, "don't you never talk to my people like 'at." I personally witnessed this and I don't think I have ever laughed so hard in my life. Johnny just lit a cigarette, laughed and peeled out in the parking lot in his ragged out Chevy Beretta. None of these guys pretended to be angels and I genuinely enjoyed being around these people and I think my life has been enriched by them immeasurably. Seriously, since when did a good story start out with, "this one time, when I was playing X-Box on a Saturday night....."
The point is this: I hope America stops indicting people in the court of public opinion who are not 100% squeaky clean. For every Lance Armstrong, there is a Charles Barkley or a Pistol Pete Maravich, who may have been flaky but is one of the best basketball players to ever live. Some people are characters. Some people stand their ground when challenged and do not care what people think. Some guys like to party. I swear, the 1970's Oakland Raiders would be the scourge of the sports world today. The city of Oakland would have to start a new paper called "The Raider Rap Sheet." All those great Yankee teams of the 1950's would be suspended for half the season in today's world. Now, these guys have to tiptoe through their personal lives, speak in "coachspeak" when interviewed and issue public apologies for every transgression. Good Lord, if the guys from Cassville had to issue public apologies, the Daily-Tribune would look like a dictionary and this would be the most boring blog in history. Some folks may not see it this way and that is understandable. Maybe the pristine choir boy image benefits some people. However, if I had my choice, to quote Ronnie Van Zant, "I'd rather live with the hound dogs, for the rest of my natural born life."
Frankly, I like a guy who can drink a twelve pack of Schlitz every night and hit .300/50 HR in a year better a guy making $12mil per year juicing his way to the HOF.
ReplyDelete