Junk Mail? I say Gold Mine!

Stop reading your self help books immediately. Seriously, put em down. You don’t need 7 Habits, Tuesdays with Morrie or the Abs Diet. Go AWOL from your support group and call in sick to your prayer meetings. All the answers to life problems are just a double click away. You will not have to leave the comforts of home either. Just sit down, grab a coffee, and click on your junk mail folder.

Inside, you will discover a plethora of opportunities. Everything is bigger, better, cheaper, easier, smarter, faster and healthier. This is far from junk, I say. Take today for instance, I click on my Yahoo account (pause to upload…..ok), hey! Here is what I can get right now: I can get a Russian bride, start my own website, lose 10 pounds in 3 days, get free Shake Weights, and 30% off at my nearest Banana Republic. Yesterday: I could be the CEO of a major corporation, get 50% off my car insurance, increase my libido, get a bride from Bulgaria and win a new Prius if I take a survey. So, in two days, I’m married twice with increased libido, a CEO with his own website and a Prius with 50% off insurance, I have free Shake Weights and plus I lost 10 pounds in 3 days so I can take full advantage of the 30% off at Banana Republic by racking up on skinny jeans and a murse. Seriously, where are the Oompa Loompas? I must be dreaming.

Sadly, it is a dream. The brides are $5,000 a piece and they don’t allow prenups. The website has a $100 per month fee and you must be enrolled in a Book of the Month club for 10 years. The increased libido and the 10 pounds lost in 3 days was from a pill that was manufactured in a sweatshop in New Guinea and causes strokes, blindness, rickets and hair loss. The CEO deal? It’s a pyramid scheme, hello Bernie Madoff and federal prison. The survey is only to qualify  to win the Prius and the chances of winning are 1,235,976:1. The Banana Republic offer is only good for one day and only honored in the numerous locations within North Dakota and Idaho. The 50% off car insurance? Only if you drive a Saturn. That leaves me with Shake Weights. They are still free. That’s because nobody wants them and they make great white elephant gifts. The guy who created Shake Weights probably double clicked on that CEO deal. Poor guy.

Lesson here: If it sounds too good to be true, it is. If you don’t believe me, click on your junk mail. You’ll end up with a fried CPU, ill gotten gains, a host of worthless coupons and probably go blind from New Guinea pills. No thanks.