Just Sayin and Bless Their Heart....Part One

This is a new segment that I am going to do sporadically, where I will point out something and then attach the aforementioned phrases to justify/not apologize for feeling the way that I do.

Just Sayin' Defined

UrbanDictionary.com defines "just sayin" as a "term coined to be used at the end of something insulting or offensive to take the heat off you when you say it." For example...

Man: "Honey, you look like you've put on a few pounds."

Woman: "What the hell?! What is your problem?"

Man: "Just sayin."

Woman: "Oh ok."

See? No explanation, no apology. I love it. It's extremely versatile as well, I can apply to people, places and things. It usually applies to something that is obviously bad and the listener knows it to be true, but just won't admit it.

Bless Their Heart Defined

"Bless Their Heart" is a Southern term that is used to excuse insults and offensive statements. It's exclusively used down here, as I have never heard anybody say it above the Mason-Dixon Line. It is often used prior to the offensive statement or directly thereafter, to soften the blow of the offensiveness. For example...

"Bless her heart, but Tammy is dumber than a bag of hammers."

This is more of an apology that "just sayin." It's also not quite as versatile as "just sayin," as it only applies to people, but that makes it no less useful. It's telling the listener, "look, I'm going to say this, it may not be very nice, but here goes...." You can hear this anywhere and anytime because people don't feel as guilty when they attach "Bless Their Heart." You don't believe me? Go to a Baptist church at 12:05 when everybody is standing outside talking before hitting the lunch buffet. You'll hear more "bless their hearts" than "ummms" in a George W. Bush speech. (I'm a Baptist.....just sayin')

I've always wanted a day where I could say what I feel without consequences. I know that day will never actually come, but with "just sayin" and "bless their heart," it's the next best thing. So, here are five examples for your reading pleasure:

1) When are people in large metro areas, specifically Atlanta, going to "believe" that a murder took place in their neighborhood? Undoubtedly, when somebody is gunned down in Atlanta, the news teams sprint to the scene and interview the neighbors. Every single time, the interviewee will say something like "I just can't believe this happened here." You can set your watch by it, just like the "train" comments in a tornado aftermath interview. White or black, young or old, man or woman, it's always the same. Never do you hear, "yeah, it was 2:30 AM, what do you expect? This place is dangerous, my neighbors suck and I wish I could move." Nope. Shock and disbelief, like it was snowing in Death Valley in June.

Atlanta is consistently in the Top Ten of every major violent crime category that exists. These murders happen everywhere, every day. Buckhead, Downtown, Midtown, Fulton, Dekalb, it doesn't make a difference. This is no secret. Get a clue, this is a reality in this city and has been for quite some time, so "believe" it. Just sayin.

2) Bless her heart, but Adele's "Rolling In The Deep" is quickly joining my "God, how many times CAN they play this song" list. It's not a bad song, but my goodness, I feel like the faculty in "PCU" when Jeremy Piven locks them in a ballroom for 3 hours and puts "Afternoon Delight" on repeat at max volume. (If you haven't seen PCU, you are missing out). Madness ensues and the faculty basically destroys the entire ballroom trying to get out. That's me, except I'm in the Jetta and contemplating either driving into the Chattahoochee River or going the wrong way down West Peachtree.

3) The recent obesity figures were released and it was not good news for most states in the South. Apparently, we gorge ourselves on bad foods, live sedentary lives, and partake in vices that increase our waistline and decrease our life expectancy. I was at Starbucks last week and a woman was in line in front of me. She probably field dressed at 285. She was wearing house shoes and sweat pants, with a cell phone glued to her ear. It was 3:30 in the afternoon and it was painfully obvious she had just gotten out of bed. You might think, “well, you jerk, it may be her day off.” Stay tuned.

She orders a venti (extra large in snooty coffee speak) caramel frapuccino with whipped cream with extra caramel on top. This is about 600 calories of pure sugar, carbs and saturated fat. She never gets off the cell phone. She pays with a credit card, of course. Why carry $4.00 in cash anyway? She then waddles her enormous backside out to her late model SUV with a handicapped tag affixed to the rear view mirror. (thus destroying the day off theory mentioned before). This person is as handicapped as I am. There was no knee brace, no cane, no walker. Maybe you should order a water to go and walk a few miles instead of sucking down pure sugar, live off my tax money and then take advantage of free medical services when you have a massive heart attack….just sayin.

4) Bless his heart, but Will Ferrell’s humor is playing out in my opinion. Honestly, I found “Talladega Nights” boring (I still don’t get the humor from the baby Jesus prayer thing) and “Step Brothers” was simply not funny, with the exception of the drum set scene. I’m not even going to talk about “Semi Pro.” I enjoy slapstick comedy as much as anyone, but it just seems he is forcing his act now. He has resorted to phrases that are just silly toilet humor or make no sense, it sounds like something I came up with in 4^th grade. I think his current writers are screwing him up because he was beyond hilarious on SNL.

5) The sports networks need to get rid of halftime interviews with football coaches. Have you ever experienced the awkwardness of watching one of these things? I was watching Alabama and Ole Miss last year and one of ESPN's female reporters approached Nick Saban as soon as the 2nd quarter clock hit 0:00. Bama had played poorly in the first half and Saban was clearly unhappy. The man wears his disdain on his sleeve, you don't have to wonder if Nick Saban is pissed off. She asks a pointed question like...

"Coach, your defense gave up 150 yards rushing in the first half and the offense couldn't score and turned it over twice, how are you going to fix this for the second half?" Then she jams the mike right in his face.

Saban cuts his eyes at her. His mouth starts moving, "we will have to get our act together, re-evaluate our defense, blah blah, coachspeak, blah, blah." His eyes tell another story....

"What kind of dumb question is that? What am I going to do? I don't know, dumbass! I'm so pissed off right now, I'm about to bite through the damn goalpost. I didn't know how many yards they had until you just told me, so I'm going to ream the hell out of my line when I get back in the locker room. I'm so glad that you are here, appeasing the networks and sponsors, asking me these questions with the innate football knowledge you acquired at journalism school at Northwestern. Now get outta the way before I eat your mike."

Then he tersely says "thanks" and runs into the locker room. This is repeated by hundreds of other coaches across the country, especially in the SEC, where a single losing season can send you to the unemployment line. The coaches never tell these people anything of value, never appear to be happy about being interviewed and frankly, it makes me uncomfortable to watch somebody who knows nothing of football strategy ram a mike in a coach's face right after his team sucked for an entire half. It would be like me going to Paula Deen and saying, "hey, Paula, put some salt on that casserole, it will make it taste better." I know diddly about cooking, I just know how to eat. Just sayin.