Georgia Barbie Dolls

You read this title and think....what? Barbie dolls...clearly he's lost it. The West Coast done rurnt (has ruined) him.

Nah. When I was living in Alabama, I was emailed a hilarious list of Alabama Barbie Dolls and their descriptions. What the writer did was take a town or an area, use the reputation of the town to create a Barbie doll, complete with accessories and various versions of Ken. It made for hilarious reading and it made me think, we need a list for Georgia! How can we, the Empire State of the South, be behind Alabama in anything?

        **Joke:   You know how to tell if a raccoon is from Alabama?

         Answer:  It gnaws off three of its legs and its still caught in the trap.

Just kidding, my Alabama friends. You know I love y'all.

Anyhow, without further adieu, I give you my Georgia Barbie Dolls. If this list offends you, remember...it's a joke. Grow a pair.

1) Buckhead Barbie: This Barbie Doll is the most expensive doll on the rack. She comes complete with a a trust fund, a tennis skirt, a closet cocaine addiction, and a giant Chevrolet Suburban to haul her five kids to their private school and to soccer practice (no football, due to East Point Barbie's kids) Her husband, Kennington, comes with a popped collar Brooks Brothers polo, his midlife crisis Corvette, a girlfriend in Waleska, and a seedy arrest record from college that involved Barbie's ex best friend, Mitzi.

2) Cassville Barbie: This Barbie is modestly priced, due to the high volume of illegitimate children that come with her, and the fact she comes pregnant as well. She is equipped with a midriff, a meth addiction, a tattoo of her baby's names on her left thigh with a rose intertwined, and a Mustang with mismatched rims.She also has a black eye because her boyfriend, Kenny, came home from the lube shop and his fish sticks weren't heated enough in the microwave. Kenny comes with a six pack of Coors Banquet Beer, a Foreigner t-shirt with a pack of cigs rolled in the sleeve and skullet. (The Kenny became rare once Barbie got pregnant again)

3) Cartersville Barbie: This Barbie is nearly as expensive as the Buckhead Barbie, but only because this Barbie is trying to be Buckhead Barbie. It comes with a Chevrolet Tahoe, $40,000 of credit card debt, a condo in Gulf Shores, Alabama and a permanent reservation at Applebee's. Her husband, Kenton, has a Chevrolet 2500 Diesel, a lawn care business (with real estate license on the side) and if you pull the newly added string,  he says, "I was the sh*t in high school." These models are only sold in Cartersville, as they cannot actually leave the city limits.

4) Calhoun Barbie: Same description as Cartersville Barbie, except they are sold as far as Chattanooga, because that's where they go to party.

5) Virginia Highlands Barbie: This Barbie comes with a Toyota Prius with a Dave Matthews Band sticker, a cute little foreclosure house (that they got a great deal on) she just bought with Ken, and no kids, because they are waiting for their careers to take off. Ken comes with a laptop, a desk, a brand new Toyota 4-Runner (for which he traded his Accord with 380,000 miles, still had the frat letters on it too) and a newfound love for PBR. These models are sold in Starbucks and Barnes & Noble exclusively.

6) Southside/East Point Barbie: This Barbie comes with a dropped Honda Civic, a job at Hartsfield Airport (some models are being changed to Taco Bell though) and an Iphone attached to her ear at all times. Her boyfriend, Kendall, comes with an Escalade on 26's, a flat billed Cincinnati Reds hat and a probation violation. Ironically, this Barbie is modestly priced for the same reasons as Cassville Barbie, and Kendall's rarity can explained by Barbie's recent pregnancy. This model is sold below I-20 only.

7) Savannah/Augusta Barbie: Eerily similar to the Buckhead Barbie, this model comes with a BMW, a house on Tybee Island, a Red Hat Society membership and a an injured neck (from looking down her nose at the other Barbies). Kennington is also eerily similar, except he is Kennington III and his secret arrest occurred at Dingus Magee's in Statesboro, Georgia. (Luckily, his dad, Kennington, Jr. is a judge and got him out of it)

This list was brought to you by Natural Ice (5.9% alcohol, the highest before Georgia woke up, wooohooo) and Mellow Mushroom gluten free pizza, which I fully intend to annihilate this evening. Have a good one!