Friday, December 2, 2011

Black Friday Night Lights....or I'm sitting the bench on this one

So, it's been a week since Black Friday, and still... we are talking about the day that I have come to loathe almost as much as fat free cheese, Georgia Tech, Georgia 400 at 5:30 PM and Nextel phones. Mostly because in Cartersville, Georgia, somebody decided to plant syringes in clothing all throughout Wal-Mart, pricking the fingers of several customers, causing a panic and aftermath similar to a tornado survival. Cue the interviews with the Harvard honor graduates....complete with oversized "Gatlinburg 1984" t-shirts, bedroom shoes and three rugrats with permanent Kool-Aid mustaches. I've never hidden my utter disdain for Wal-Mart and this event just magnifies Wal-Mart's imminent threat to all that is good and decent in this world. I could not imagine waiting in line to get into a Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

"Hey Bobbie, if y'all get in before me, y'all grab as many Kenny Chesney CD's as you can. I'm gonna be at the clothes, they havin' a buy one, get one on Rusty Wallace t-shirts!"

"Oh girl, you ain't serious?! Shane would just luuuuuuv one of them thangs (things)! Get him a double X if you can, he's put on a few pounds since he got carpal tunnel and cain't (can't) work no more. Cody! Raymond! Y'all quit fightin ovair (over there)"

Shoot me, please.

Oh, by the way, the syringe thing, it was national news too. Yahoo had a story on it. You cannot imagine the thrill for yours truly to see Bartow County in the news again.....tornadoes and needles. It sounds like a bad country song. Let's get Kenny Chesney to sing it:

Needles and Tornaders,
Bleedin' fingers and ruined 'maters,
My roof is in the trees,
Now, I'm getting tested for Hepatitis C

Oh, Needles and Tomaters....

Thanks a lot, 2011.

There was also a free-for-all fistfight at the Ellijay Wal-Mart, simply because it opened and too many people wanted in. Honestly, I cannot think of a better reason to risk my personal freedom than to slug another man over a 72" Sanyo Television. Seriously, that 65" Panasonic was getting old anyway and Dwayne, Jr was having a hard time playing his Playstation and getting fatter on that smaller screen. That extra seven inches.....problem solved. This was also national news, complete with a video. A cell phone display case was tossed into the crowd. About 50 people broke out their Iphones and recorded the melee, hence the video availability. I watched the crowd more than the fight,  for a couple of reasons: 1) trying to find the fat lady in the housecoat, who will undoubtedly interviewed; 2) the number of Dale Earnhardt/Dale Earnhardt, Jr. hats; and 3) any and all airbrushed t-shirts. The first one was too easy, there were several possible interviewees near the fight, all field dressing at about 250 and dressed in their nicest ankle-length mumu. I couldn't tell if anyone had an airbrushed t-shirt on BUT it's north Georgia....I'd bet a bottle of STP "Son of a Gun" there were at least 25 people sporting their pride in Panama City and Gatlinburg or wolves howling over a canyon with a Rebel flag in the background. Much to my chagrin, I saw one too many Georgia hats, most of the wearers giggling like schoolchildren that just pulled the fire alarm. Ugh, thanks again, 2011.

I wish we had participated in Black Friday at Cass Grocery. We never did. We opened at 6:00 AM and closed at 8:00 PM, every Black Friday for 26 years. My Dad never woke me up at 2 AM and said, "Good God, son, we gotta get up to the store, the line of people waiting on us is down Jo-Ree Road and almost to 41. Get those Orange County Choppers t-shirts ready....we're going 2 for 1!" Nope. It would have been chaos.

First of all, I would have definitely encouraged a sale on Natural Light and Olde English 800, which would have been a mistake. You wanna talk about fights? A brawl next to the beer cooler would result in crushed FunYuns, possible busted Orange Fanta 2-liter bottles and the loss of irreplaceable discount cigarettes. Seriously, how am I gonna explain to Wanda that her GPC Menthol Light 100's were mashed under Daryl's foot when he punched Joel in the face for taking the last six pack? It cannot be done and she can't smoke Newports (because they taste bad, not because they're $5.50). Priorities, dammit.

Secondly, we sold t-shirts. Lots of them. Dixie Outfitters, Orange County Choppers, NASCAR, football, fishing, Harley-Davidson.....we were the Nordstrom of north central Bartow County. The only difference is that our fitting room (aka the restroom) weren't quite as nice and honestly, most men (and some women) just tried it on right there in the parking lot. We would have been cleaned out in seconds if we had a Black Friday sale. How could anyone turn down a buy one, get one free of a "Dale Earnhardt: 1951-2001" with angel wings sprouting from the "D" and the "t" AND a sweet Dixie Outfitters shirt that shrewdly places a Rebel flag around the neck of a bass jumping out of a lake with the statement "Southern Fishin': It Will Lure You In" keenly placed in the water below? You can't resist it.

Then you had the random groceries that would cause problems. All the meth heads would clean me out of Sudafed, copper brushes and Drano. All the guys who hunt deer would annihilate my supply of cracked corn (AND not because they're baiting a field, there's no honor in that.....riiiiiight). All the 18 year old kids that come in and buy rolling papers would have a field day. I love when kids buy rolling papers, they go into the unprompted justifying instantly......

Kid: "My, uh, granddad, uh, still rolls his own cigarettes. These are for him. Yeah, grandad. Rolls. Uh, yeah."

Me: "Yeah, cool. If "grandad "also like Chili Fritos, those are on sale today too."

I'm telling you. Cass Grocery on Black Friday, a study in humanity for the ages.

Honestly though, Black Friday illustrates just how far we will go to get "stuff." It's preposterous. We are obsessed with appearances. When I see the lines at Brandsmart and the Apple Store that are longer than the Talladega Racetrack, it just sheds even more light on us. I never see such lines at Waldenbooks.

For example, have you ever noticed how people buy Hummers and use them to advertise things? I saw a Hummer in Dallas the other day with all this artwork painted on it, indicating the driver was an accountant and will provide you with financial advice and do your taxes. I guess a Hummer is a sign of financial security or maybe power? Some people probably say, "She's got a Hummer? She's got it made."

You know what a Hummer says to me?

"Hi, I have a gas guzzling, unreliable, rolling pile of unnecessary debt that costs me $800 per month, but by God, I can advise you on money.....wait, my radiator just blew." See? Now, what if your accountant drove a 1994 Toyota Corolla with 200,000 miles on it? Would you think less of them? Or maybe they are getting every last cent out of what they have. It may not be a growling, diesel-fueled junior monster truck, but it's good from Point A to Point B. I'll take that guy.

I like stuff. I buy ITunes like it's going out of style. I'd rake any one of your shins for a Starbucks coffee. But I refuse to get caught up in the hoopla of Black Friday, at Wal-Mart or anywhere else. We didn't need it in Cassville and everything was fine.....and our Funyuns, Orange Fanta and cigarettes stayed intact, along with our dignity. And the syringe thing? No problem. You couldn't hide one in a "Jeff Gordon: Rainbow Warrior" T-shirt and our resident users wouldn't waste a good needle on such nonsense....we're economical like that.

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I'm good at people watching and the memorization of useless facts. I'm voracious eater, reader, Crossfitter and Dawg fan. Shamelessly devoted to the cause of making 9-5 not suck so bad.