The Hap-Hap-Happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby...

You know the rest. (+1 for Christmas Vacation reference)

Another Christmas, come and gone. Another full frontal assault of family, food, fun, and tacky decorations in the books. I have to say that this was a most excellent (and I mean it, not in the Juan Antonio Samaranch diss of the Atlanta Olympics way) Christmas. Although I did not need any presents, I got some and they were all great. I ate all kinds of sugar filled, carb infested foods while I watched the Bulls, Knicks, Clippers and Thunder win their games. I drank my aunt's egg nog until I wanted to puke, then powered through and drank some more. I watched Christmas Vacation and laughed like I had never seen it before. If anyone sees me for the next two weeks, don't get annoyed if I say, "You serious, Clark?" every three sentences. It's going to happen.

It was a very Merry Christmas for Yu Darvish, the half-Iranian, half-Japanese pitcher, who is likely to be a Texas Ranger in the near future. The Rangers paid $51.7 million dollars just to have the right to negotiate with him. That's more dollars than people in Texas. That's more dollars that the populations of South Africa and South Korea, combined. That's more dollars than national championships claimed by Alabama.

$51.7 million dollars just to talk. 51.7 big ones just to say, "hey, you been picked up yet?" I get that for free at Laurel Park in Marietta when I go down there to play ball. Preposterous. I am worth at least five bucks....I'm a helluva rebounder, I have a nice jump hook, I dive for loose balls, I'm not that slow.....and I'm white. Anomalies like me deserve compensation.

Darvish identifies with his Japanese heritage, so I ask.......what is it about Japanese pitchers? Do they throw differently? I remember the fascination with Hideo Nomo (who had a nondescript career, considering his popularity) and the unbelievable price paid by the Boston Red Sox for Dice-K, who now sits the bench collecting a fat paycheck. He threw some sort of screwball he called a "Gyro Ball." This guy had teams bidding on him left and right until Boston ponied up enough cash where even the Yankees said, "Nah, we good." In a couple of seasons, our stupid American/Latino batters figured him out and have renderered him......normal. Arms are arms, regardless of what continent they were conceived upon. What happened to guys like Bob Gibson, Don Drysdale, Nolan Ryan, and Randy Johnson? No gimmicks, no weird glasses, no Gyro balls....they just threw really hard. They were also some of the meanest guys in the game. Bob Gibson once threw at Bobby Bonds while he was in the on-deck circle trying to catch a glimpse of Bob's windup. "You'll get your turn, Bobby!" he said. Drysdale would throw at your head and dare you to come to the mound and settle it. I'd pay $51.7 million for a guy like that....eccentricity and ethnicity be damned.

It was also a Merry Christmas for the NBA, who finally kicked off the season and had monster ratings. Strangely, the defending champion Mavericks were slaughtered at home by the Miami Heat. They were more lethargic than the staff of a Georgia DMV station at 4:59 PM. I actually stopped watching it in the 3rd quarter and watched "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." World Champion Shawn Marion and Dirk were bottled up all night by the more athletic Heat, who were grabbing boards and running with the ball before the Mavs could say "Roy Tarpley." (FYI, Tarpley was a first round choice of the Mavs in the late 80's, they leveraged their entire future on him, but instead of being a star, he was banned for life from the NBA for violating the drug policy. Boom! Fifteen years of futility. Tarpley is secretly from Acworth, Georgia.) Now, they will play a 66-game condensed schedule that will have some teams playing in five cities in less than two weeks. No wonder Shaq retired. If Shawn Kemp was still playing with this schedule, he would have 20 more kids.

It was not a Merry Christmas for the Cartersville Wal-Mart, who apparently has more used syringes littering their landscape than darkest dark alley in Atlanta. I told y'all, this place is a black hole of filth. My personal hell consists of being trapped in the Cartersville Wal-Mart with the song "Bleeding Love" on replay (since 95.5 The Beat played it every three minutes in 2008) with a gaggle of Georgia Tech fans scraping forks across plates and another gaggle of hicks chattering about lawn care on Nextel phones. No culprits have been apprehended, no leads have produced any information....it's just a prickly problem that is permeating that protruding pit of pathetic-ness over on Highway 20. Wal-Mart always causes the use of alliteration for yours truly. Horrible Hangar of Human Hopelessness. Foul Freak Show of Failure. Scornful Sour Skunk Smelling Stream of Cess in the South. Here's a short poem for you:

Wal Mart, your sliding doors are the gateway to insanity,
The lowest level of Southern humanity
Your syringes are many, I hope your shoppers have been few
Oh, Wal Mart, if you were a Facebook status....I would not like you.

It was not a Merry Christmas for Michael Gilliard, a junior linebacker for the University of Georgia. He is currently practicing light this week due to a sprained ankle...a sprain he obtained while running from an angry bull as he was cow tipping back in his hometown of Valdosta. On a scale of 1-10 of awesomeness, this is about a 73. I don't care about the time off. This event springboards Mike to one of my top five favorites on the team and has engrained the song "Maniac" in my head for the next 24 hours (+1 for Tommy Boy reference) I could see another player washing his shoes off, angrily saying to Mike, "these are the new Air Jordans, they are worth more than your life." (+1 for another Tommy Boy reference) Good luck Michigan State, our boys are ready for anything.

It was not a Merry Christmas for recently divorced Kris Humphries, who was voted the "most disliked" NBA player in a recent poll and was booed in his first game since his domestic disturbance drama unfolded (there's alliteration again. Maybe Kris will work at Wal-Mart after he gets cut after this season.) Hell, his wife's name was Kim Kardashian, he's from Minneapolis, Minnesota, he was a Golden Gopher and he went to Hopkins High. His sister's names are Krystal and Kaela. Look at all that alliteration. Kris.... you are finished, bro. Just retire now and learn how to repaint the blue handicap parking spots, since Wal-Mart has 2,354 of them in every parking lot.

So, it's on to a New Year.  I hope it's a year filled with happiness, laughter, changes for the better and lower stress levels. I hope it's a year of more time with Laura and my family, more personal time, more trips to New York, less drama and less complaining. I hope it's a year of more Dawg victories, less Georgia Tech...everything, more Tim Tebow skits, and less Cam Newton, Ohio State, Jerry Sandusky, Joe Paterno and Nevin Shapiro. Here's to another year that Cassville is not swallowed up by the urban sprawl, Wal-Mart actually closes a store, donuts and milkshakes are proven to be a health food (along with pizza), and the FCC decides to shut down Fox, CNN and MSNBC until they can report good news. I hope all of you enjoy your holidays and be safe....remember, a cab ride only costs $5.00....the reputation you get from being in a "Just Busted" paper lasts forever.