Recap of the Weekend....or Honey Badger Doesn't Care About Goal Lines

After scrambling last week's game around in my head, reading the stats and making heads or tails of the final result, I have only come to one conclusion.....we got our rearends kicked on Saturday, plain and simple. Scrap the first half....it was an aberration, a blip on the radar, a tiny gnat smashed on the windshield of a Gold and Purple Peterbilt dragging 500,000 pounds of dynamite. I've never seen such a performance, save the 2008 Alabama game when they obliterated an unmotivated, entitled squad of Dawgs, which caused the 2009-2010 downward spiral, if you ask me. It was sad to see our guys take it on the chin and even sadder to see SOME of the players accepting it and going through the motions, just trying to get the game over with.

I'm not being a sore loser, or fairweathered. I'm a Dawg for life. LSU is without question the most talented team we've seen since Alabama in 2008 or Florida in 2009. It was just unsettling to see such a game, with our recent surge and ever-growing hope. This recap is brought to you by Wild Turkey, Carlotta wine (thank you Dave Grega) and Al Pacino. Why Al? Because nobody can punctuate anger, frustration, and all-out "I'm gonna cut your Achilles with a butter knife" fury like Al can.

Honestly, I expected LSU to win. Even with the halftime lead, I just felt as if a tidal wave was about to hit us. The drops by the receivers, the punt return by Honey Badger, the blown opportunities....mistakes that would matter little against Kentucky and Vandy...they made all the difference against this group of Swamp Kitties. I will not retiterate those plays, I simply cannot. My sanity will not allow it. If I recanted those events here, I am liable to take a flamethrower to this place (+1 for Scent of a Woman reference) I will not describe my utter disgust when Aaron Murray's perfect pass was completely missed by Tavarres King. I simply refuse to spell out my "kick a hole in the wall" disbelief when Malcolm Mitchell dropped a sure touchdown on the five yard line. I will not do it. Never will I paint the picture of yours truly on his knees, aghast, watching Honey Badger weave his way to a "score" on the first punt return of the game. Les Miles grinned, ate a clump of grass and said, "say hello to my little friend." (+1 for Scarface reference) Why we kicked to that man, I have no idea. It's one of those inexplicable phenomena, like voluntary non-alumni Georgia Tech fans, decaf coffee, sugar free pecan pie, the 55 MPH speed limit on I-285 and the Honda Element.

If football is a game of inches, it has never been more true than on that particular play. In case you were wondering, Honey Badger flipped the ball to the referee before he crossed the goal line. It was evident from all angles. Unfortunately, said referee was too busy signaling a touchdown on the five yard line to notice. The upstairs guys were too busy cashing their checks from the BCS to review it. Verne and Gary replayed it 73 times, complete with unabashed adoration for all things LSU, and then conceded that he did not score. I bet that hurt. I'm sure that Les Miles called up there at halftime and said, "Verne, Gary, you're the second best announcing team on CBS and I love you, but don't take sides against the family with anyone, ever again." (+1 for Godfather 2 reference) And our coaches, well, I guess they were too busy coddling Crowell to see it. Isaiah has really let the entire Dawgnation  down lately and nothing was worse than watching him milk his ankle/leg/foot injury all game long. He came out of the first series with such a pronounced limp, I thought he was done for sure. Then, as if the healing power of God graced his tibia, fibula and metatarsals, he would make a cut and dash for 10 yards, then disappear for another 10 minutes. It was another inexplicable phenomena, like tanning salons in Florida, Larry the Cable Guy's popularity with anyone over age 14 and the 2011 Indianapolis Colts.

It's not like the entire game was bad. Our defense was stellar in the first half. LSU had zero first downs, Jordan Jefferson looked like George Jefferson throwing the ball, and their running game was nonexistent. We made them one-dimensional. Unfortunately, so were we. Our special teams and offense (except Orson Charles, Ben Jones and Aron White) decided to play their worst games since Vanderbilt and Kentucky, respectively. We won those games, because neither of those teams even compare to LSU. The only things that LSU has in common with Vandy/Kentucky: 1) They are in the SEC; 2) They have a football team; 3) They are universities in the United States. That's it. Not one player on Vandy/Kentucky would be on the two-deep at LSU, with the exception of Danny Trevathan (UK's linebacker). 

The second half was.....abhorrent. Wild Turkey flowed. I looked at my Dad at one point and said, "This is like a bad Twilight Zone. I think I'm growing a tumor." (+1 for Tommy Boy reference) I cannot think of one positive thing that occurred in the second half, with the exception of the clock hitting 0:00. Aaron Murray had the worst game of this season, not entirely his fault, as he was flushed from the pocket repeatedly. Carlton Thomas was eaten like crawfish etoufee by Barkevious Mingo. Crowell was AWOL. "Has anyone seen Scanners?" I remarked. (+1 for another Tommy Boy reference) I saw Crowell angrily walking away from Coach Richt while Coach was trying to speak to him, another low moment of the evening. It was then, I looked toward Athens and said "I do renounce him." (+1 for Godfather reference) The defense, after being called upon to defend our goal constantly, finally wore out. The glad tidings of the first half disappeared quickly, doing us no better than eating large quantities of chocolate. (+1 for Devil's Advocate reference) Not to mention, we punt out of our own end zone in the 3rd quarter, right to Honey Badger. He bobs and weaves his way to our 17 yard line. Call us "X-Files" because..... you guessed it, more inexplicable phenomena...like the purpose of the IRS, pillowed outdoor furniture, convertible PT Cruisers and the relevance of the SAT.

Omens abounded this week. I should have known not to get my hopes up. First, my tickets for the game fell through. The guy I bought them from mailed them from Alabama via US Mail and they never arrived. My dog pooped in her crate for the first time in weeks. I had a bad cup of coffee at Starbucks. The Dawgvent was completely negative with news about Crowell's apparent temper tantrum at practice. I didn't eat Waffle House (a gameday tradition) early Saturday morning. My work week was terrible, proving that the human race can indeed find new ways to suck the life right out of me. Seriously, has anyone seen Scanners? When Claiborne pick-sixed Murray to make it 42-10, I swallowed a glass of Wild Turkey and went outside. I could not watch the SEC championship go down in flames, so I decided to look at the pasture instead. I could not watch the LSU players laugh and cut up at our expense. In a metaphoric moment, I realized that this loss would be forgotten, wiped away as clean as this empty field, and guys like Jarvis Jones, Garrison Smith, John Jenkins, Richard Samuel, Alec Ogletree, Kenarious Gates, Aaron Murray, and Shawn Williams would grow from this loss. We will likely be highly ranked next season, guys who are hurt will be healthy again, and our schedule is favorable. You truly can't win 'em all.....unless you are LSU.

So, now we head to the Outback Bowl against Michigan State. I speak for the majority of the Dawgnation when I say, "Ugh." Been there, done that. This is like getting a great bottle of wine and then while opening it, the damn cork falls in. We have only ourselves to blame for this lackluster bowl, but we still need to win it. We need to win 11 games, we need to finish on a high note and we need to represent our conference well. I think we will do so. Losing to a Big Ten school is like getting sucker punched by a midget, you get knocked out and it goes viral on Youtube. It simply cannot happen. Although I was severely depressed by this recent loss, I am still so proud of the football team. Jarvis and Orson made 1st Team All-America. Recruiting is picking up. It's looking like contract extensions for Richt and Grantham. We defeated Auburn, Tennessee, Florida and Tech all in one season. I guess I'll let Al sum it all up for me.....

"Just when I thought I was out, they pull me right back in." (+1 for Godfather 3 reference) Go Dawgs.

Other Highlights:

1) LSU vs. Alabama for the National Title. Regardless of how they arrived at this conclusion, it's the right one. Still, there should be a playoff and based on what I've seen, these two would seal club everyone else in said playoff. I predict another bloodletting and this time, I think the Tide comes out on top, 12-10. (unless Cade Foster and Shelley screw it up again. Fellas, if that happens, don't crank your pickups for at least a week. Quietly leave Tuscaloosa, enroll at Tennessee under the names of "Da'Rick Rogers" and "Tyler Bray" and hope for the best.)

2) The remainder of the bowl season is a huge snoozefest. I mean, honestly....35 bowls? Florida (6-6) vs. Ohio State (6-6)? Rutgers vs. Iowa State in the New Era Pinstripe Bowl? Earlier this year, when Iowa State beat Oklahoma State, I saw something I just knew I'd never see. On Facebook, it said "15 of your friends have mentioned Iowa State University." There is a first time for everthang (everything), I guess. (thank you, Little Texas, underrated band if you ask me)

3) There is a bowl called the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. No, really, TCU and Louisiana Tech are playing in it. Does the MVP win a repossessed Dodge Caravan? Hell, if they wanna go that far, I got one for you: The Bartow County Sudafed Copper Tubing Meth Bowl. Let's get Auburn and Tennessee to play it, let's say in Adairsville.....that's about halfway for both and their fans would just love it. We'll get Kenny Chesney to perform at halftime and 30 smacked out chicks from the trailer park to just walk around as "dancers." Cha-ching.

4) Florida, Florida State, and Miami all finished outside of the BCS Top 25 for the year. Only FSU cracked the AP Top 25 (at #25, no less). I can only think of three things that are more surprising than this: 1) Pollo Loco restaurants that stay open longer than 6 months; 2) It took the media more than 6 months to destroy Herman Cain and 3) The Atlanta Hawks are not entertaining offering Dwight Howard (to which I face plant into a hot plate of lasagna......ugghhhhhh. We need a freakin' center.)

5) The Green Bay Packers have a date with destiny. Watch out 1972 Dolphins, the champagne may remain on ice this year. Their schedule is favorable. The comeback last Sunday was a thing of beauty, thanks to Aaron Rodgers and their very own inexplicable phenomena....Jordy Nelson.

**Sidenote: Congratulations to me for doing a football segment with Al Pacino quotes, using all 3 Godfathers and NOT referring to "Any Given Sunday" once.