A Few Stereotypes...or Don't Pay for that Beer with Unrolled Pennies

You never know when a laugh will randomly come over you. Yesterday, I went to Calhoun, Georgia for work, as I normally do. I pulled into the public lot east of the downtown area and walked to the office. We share the same block with several businesses, one of which is a DUI school/probation. FYI, if you don't think DUI School and Probation are businesses, try getting arrested or live in the legal world every day. They have more money than Davy Crockett (+1 for Forrest Gump reference). Seriously, I'm in the wrong business. Anyhow, I analyzed the vehicles parked in front of the respective businesses. The restaurant, the women's clothing boutique and the insurance agency had Chevy Tahoes, Silverados, a Honda Accord and a Lexus sitting out front. The law firm next door had a late model X-Terra. In front of the DUI School were the following:

1) A Yellow IROC-Z Camaro with dice on the mirror
2) A white, step side Ford Ranger with 13 inch mismatched rims, a Misfits sticker and a black bumper
3) A convertible PT Cruiser with duct tape on the ragtop, and Cadillac rims

This scene leads me to believe 2 things:

1) Stereotypes come from somewhere; and
2) Always judge a man by his car.

I laughed out loud all the way into my office. I plopped down in my chair, removed my Aviators, checked Facebook, texted Laura, and then turned on my Ipod. I stopped laughing because I realized.... I am a walking stereotype too. My generation is technologically dependent (we prefer to say "savvy"), fashion obsessed, and self centered to the point where we seek attention by posting open ended lamentations on social media sites so people will ask us.....what's wrong, sweetheart? (Huge pet peeve of mine) So, I got to thinking about stereotypes. How do they come about and why are people so up-in-arms about them all the time? The news media does not help one iota in the fight against stereotyping, scapegoating, typecasting, generalizing and all the other bad "-ings" that exist when it comes to the analysis of human behavior. You know me, I don't watch the news. Ever. I like to observe on my own and make my own decisions. I accidentally watched FoxNews once and had to get on Klonopin to get over my depression.

Since I observed Cassvillians in all their glory for so many years, I picked up on more stereotypes than I can count. What's funny about Cassville is that most people are proud to be the way they are. If somebody accuses them of being "country" or God help us, a "redneck," they seem to relish in this assumption. You are likely to hear the following:

"You damn right!"
"Mmmm hmmmm, you ain't lyin!"
"Yup. Wanna go ridin' at the par (power) lines?" (Non-Southerners, people in the South often ride 4-wheelers in the valleys created by large power lines)

Cassville people are fine with being accused of most things. Well, except the following:

1) Being a Jeff Gordon fan
2) Owning a Japanese vehicle (ATV's excluded)
3) Drinking non-alcoholic beer or any drink where one may raise their pinky as they indulge
4) Wearing ear plugs at the monster truck rally
5) Agreeing with any gun control

Here are some stereotypes from Cass Grocery that I observed every single day. These may or may not apply to your small town, as we are a unique bunch up here in the middle of Bartow County. The stereotypical action will be listed in bold and the reaction will be listed below. This list is brought to you by Dry Idea Powder Fresh deodorant (it's humid today), Tracy Lawrence's mullet, my Tim Hardaway poster, and A Tribe Called Quest's rapping skills. "I'm like Jordan with the mike, so let's gamble." Awesome.

People Who Have Bible Verses or Animal Pictures on their Checks....

The check is bad. No, really. 90% of the bank-created paper airplanes that flew back to us over the years had one of those two characteristics. Then we would be "jerks" for wanting our money. Oh, you have check #101 with a picture of a basket of kittens and Obadiah 1:1 quoted in the left hand corner? Excuse me while I get my tennis racket and smack that uselessness all the way to Kennesaw. (FYI, Obadiah only has one chapter. I remember that from 5th grade Sunday School class. Thanks, Mr. Anderson.) Why is these two particular items? I don't know. It was pure statistics for me. When I order checks from Wells Fargo, they always ask if I want graphics on my checks and I say, "Hell no!" I guarantee somebody that I do business with feels the same way I do.

People Who Still Drive late 90's Ford Explorers (two-door) and Write Checks for Over the Amount of Purchase.....

They are broke and probably doing drugs, hence the need for the extra cash. Those checks are probably coming back too. If there is a "Hello Kitty" picture and Psalm 23 on there, forgetaboutit. Light that check on fire.

Adults Who Ride a Bike to the Store....

I'm not talking about a $2,000 road bike. I'm talking about a 12 year old's Dyno dirt bike. These adults are ex-felons, too drunk to drive, or have a warrant out for their arrest somewhere. They will probably buy a twelve pack of the cheapest beer (Schaefer, Old Milwaukee, Milwaukee's Best), put it in a bag, hang it from one handlebar and you get to watch them try to steer the off-kilter bicycle as they talk on a cell phone all the way back to the trailer park.

Exception: Fu-Fu.  No man in the universe could annihilate Olde English 800 like him and still be coherent (the record was 9 in one day on July 4, 1994). He'd come in the store and I'd say, "Fu, what's happenin?!?" Fu would reply, "Makin it!" He rode a bike because he was a pimp. Wore a tie every day too. RIP Fu-Fu. (Imagine Deebo from Friday, except really skinny, much blacker, and wouldn't hurt a fly.)

Old People Who Have a Stupid Grin on Their Face, a T-shirt Tucked into Elastic Shorts and Wear Sandals (with or without socks)....

They are out of towners and want to buy ice cream. They will also ask goofy questions about the store, laugh too much about stuff that is not funny and make a joke about the price of the ice cream. They will undoubtedly wonder what at least three flavors are, want to sample the butter pecan and ask for an off-the-wall flavor like Rum Raisin. This is a guarantee. Even Neen could see it. You know why?

#1: Because she never wore a stupid grin, wore sandals (much less with socks) and did not own a t-shirt. Southern women like her would not be caught dead in any of the aforementioned ensembles, my Meemaw is the same way.

#2 She only ate ice cream that she made herself. Neen's homemade ice cream was a food group unto itself.  Neen was Cassville through and through.

People Who Talk About The Weather and Don't Sit on the Benches...

They are stealing from us. They are just trying to draw attention away from the batteries, the single pack of Goody's, the Kit-Kat or the 3/8 lag bolt that they just stuffed in their pocket. Karma always caught up to them. Once, a 12 year old kid mentioned something about the "dewpoint" to me and I knew he was a thieving little bastard. I told him to empty his pockets and lo and behold, a pack of Doral Light 100's appeared. I locked him in the ice machine and called his father at home, who drove up to the store and promptly "whupped" him on the spot. Cassville justice....always coming through in the clutch.

People Who Pay in Change Every Day.....

They will always wear pants that are too tight, so they have to struggle to remove the change, which falls in the floor and scatters all over the floor like a pile of roaches when a light turns on. They usually wait to come in when we are the busiest, buy a single Coors Light or a 40 ounce Bud Light, and pay for it with 76 pennies, three dimes and two nickels. This transaction will take a minimum of 15 minutes. When they drop the change, the other customers will help them pick it up and they all look like a herd of cattle grazing on a linoleum pasture. Dad would take a deep breath and get impatient, which would make me nervous and I would grab the Windex to clean the cooler doors before he exploded. If it had been Mom, she would helped them pick it up and then talk to them for 30 minutes about their kids. LOL. (oops, there's text speak, sorry. It's this generation.) Never a dull moment in the 30123.

Those are just a few stereotypes of customer activity. It was not a review of Cassville culture. It was not an indictment of anyone's way of life. It was observations made from years of dealing with the same kinds of people every single day. I'm not judging anyone and quite frankly, it made for a lot of laughs over the years. Sarcasm and cynicism aside, the stereotypical Cassville person was a good person with a good heart, who cared about us and the store, and when I see them now, they are always gracious and tell me how much they miss us. I miss them too.