Rules and Theories for Sports Fans in Georgia: Bunk Beds, Boston Coattails and Bandwagon Wheels going flat

Bill Simmons of ESPN is one of my favorite writers ever. Not just because we share a fanatical love of basketball, top ten lists and statistics, but because he goes outside the box with his writing. Bill often goes on tangents throughout his articles, complete with footnotes, that are not only hilarious, but informative. For example, he could be talking about the NBA Finals and then suddenly do two paragraphs about how "The Air Up There" may be the worst movie ever made (it's close.....Cabin Fever is my vote for worst movie ever) or how he saw David Lee Roth in Vegas and got hammered with him. He weaves pop culture, sarcasm, and some "this one time, at band camp" stories with sports and really keeps a reader intrigued. Check him out on ESPN.com or http://www.grantland.com/, his very own website. I promise, if you are a sports fanatic, you will not be disappointed.

One thing Bill has done in the past is create his own rules and theories about certain players and sports. The most famous one he has done is the "Ewing Theory." Seriously, type "Ewing" into Google and The "Ewing Theory" is the first entry to pop up. Essentially, the Ewing Theory applies to players who receive an inordinate amount of attention and fan love, yet their teams never really accomplish anything with them. Then, when said player leaves the team (trades, retirement, etc.) the team rises to even greater heights. Obviously, this is a dubious homage to the career of Patrick Ewing. If you review the Knicks history while he manned the paint in Madison Square Garden, you will notice two things. Number One...he had the largest knee pads in the history of basketball. Number Two...the Knicks seemed to play better without him in the lineup. Check out Bill's article, it's very interesting and thought provoking. http://proxy.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?id=1193711

Anyhow, Bill inspired me to create some sports rules and life theories for Southerners, mainly Georgians. These rules are going to be an absolution of Southern life and fandom forever, I can feel it. I want to be quoted years from now in an internet newpaper on Mars...."yep, ol Brad called it, the Chipper Jones-Hooters-Cold Sore Theory has held up all these years." Yep, that's what I want. These rules are brought to you by Herschel Walker's Sixth Personality, Left Hand Milk Stout Beer, RC Cola and Moon Pies, and Bear Bryant's accent. Why the Bear? Because I went to Tuscaloosa in 2002 when we played Bama and their pregame video started with the Bear saying "I ain't never been nuthin but a winner" in that Arkansas/Alabama accent that was thicker than a Chicago politician's wallet. I got a chill, and they were the dang enemy that day. That man is still powerful and he's been dead for nearly thirty years. Without further delay, here are some rules and theories for Southern fans:

1) The Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Compromise

All Southerners must cheer for Junior, even though we know he will never win a Winston/Sprint/Sega/TD Waterhouse/Whatever It Will Be Next Year Cup. It's never going to happen. However, pulling for Junior is a de facto cheer for his late father, the alpha and omega of NASCAR drivers. If and when Junior wins a race, Southerners must oblige the victory with a "well, this may be the year..." discussion, speak forlornly about Dale Senior's death, and then blame Junior's failures on his crew chief. The Son of the Man cannot be held accountable, no matter how many times he finishes 20th or worse. Other examples of this Compromise: Hank Williams III, Shooter Jennings, Derek Dooley, and Mike Shula.

2) The UGA/Alabama Eternal Bunk Bed Theory

Although we are close in proximity, share our entire western border with them, and sometimes fight over who gets to be on the top bunk, we just don't hate each other. We are like eternal dorm roommates that go out for beers on Friday and hate the other guys on the hall together. Yes, we've woken each other up the night before a test and yes, when Alabama passes out after too many drinks, we will draw on their face. We've had some knock-down drag-outs (the 1976 UGA victory to seal the SEC title, the 1985 Alabama last second win in Athens, the 2002 Man Enough Game, the 2008 Alabama victory that officially put them back on the map) but when the dust settles, we are opening each other's PBR's and toasting to the fall of the arrogant, self absorbed jerk (Florida), the obnoxious redneck (Tennessee) and the poser who drives a leased Hummer (Auburn).  The Eternal Bunk Bed Theory applies to Earnhardt, Jr/Tony Stewart (Southerners like Tony, he's old school and hates the sissified NASCAR of today), UNC/South Carolina, and to an extent, Bill Dance/Jimmy Houston. (Don't ask. It's a Saturday morning Cass Grocery thing. We fought over which show to watch, but we all loved both of these guys. Don't even get me started on deer season. Dean Durham shooting a sixteen pointer in Texas vs. Denny Brauer catching snook off Marathon? Forgetaboutit.)

3) The 2004 Boston Coattail-Riding Rule (Metro Atlanta only)

When the Red Sox came back to beat the Yankees in the ALCS in 2004 and went on to win the World Series, a sudden transformation took place in metro Atlanta. Victory-starved Georgians, tired of waiting on the Braves, decided to infiltrate Dick's Sporting Goods and become Red Sox fans. Even in Athens, the fratmosphere was rife with navy blue, old English red "B" hats. People who have never been within 300 miles of Boston, have no clue who Carl Yazstremski was, or to whom I am referring when I say "Tony C," pretending to be Fenway faithful. Seriously, ask them anything about the Red Sox prior to 2004. You'll get the same blank stare you get from Florida "fans" about anything prior to 1990. When the Celtics won in 2008, the same rule applied. The last time the Hawks played Boston in Philips, the fan division was about 50/50. In this recession, I'm relatively certain that the upstanding residents of Boston and the surrounding areas did not fork over $1,500 in flights and tickets to come to Atlanta. I guess Atlanta sees itself as the Boston of the 1990's, when all of the major Boston teams were on the skids, just waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. The difference is that Bostonians stood with their teams during those times, where Atlantans bail. Why didn't they get behind the Marlins after 1997? Why not become Yankees fans after the 1998-2000 dynasty years? Or why not the Buccaneers after 2003? It makes no sense, really. Other examples of the Coattail Rule:  braindead west Georgians/Bama, illiterate north Georgia/Tennessee (1990's), frontrunning south Georgia/Florida/FSU(1990's).

4) The Auburn Conundrum of 2010

Notice how Auburn, even after winning the National Championship, did not take off in terms of gaining new fans and recognition? In 2010, I did not see the insanely drastic increase of Auburn gear on people's cars and heads like Alabama in the last year. Seriously, Alabama's fanbase quadrupled here in 2011, judging by the number of car tags, flags and brand, spanking new hats on people's heads. Are their colors too ugly? That cannot be the answer, as Florida and Tennessee gear permeated the land after their national championship years, and no color is more heinous and obnoxious as Cheetos Orange or worse, Cheetos Orange mixed with blue. Are they too far away? Nope. Auburn is 30 minutes from Columbus, Georgia. I think some of the west Georgia counties actually get to utilize in-state tuition at Auburn. Hell, they have a billboard in Atlanta, encouraging high school students to make a trip to the Plains.

I guess it's just not "sexy" to be on Auburn's bandwagon. I think the NCAA/Newton scandal so sullied the reputation of that team, that even the most frontrunning Atlantans just could not see themselves sporting Auburn gear. Maybe it was the "one and done" way it all went down. Recruits weren't falling all over themselves to go to Auburn after the 2010 season, but for some reason, they salivate like Pavlov's dogs to get to Tuscaloosa. The same principle applies to the Florida Marlins, the Chicago White Sox (if the Cubs win one, watch the influx of Cubs fans in ATL, it will be epic), and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

5) The Atlanta "Everybody Hates Chipper" Rule:

Have you ever seen a superstar so universally disliked by his own people than Chipper Jones? They complain about his contract. They complain about his Hooters waitress fetish. They complain about his numerous injuries (there's some credence there, I swear he went to the DL after Terry Pendleton "Indian rug burned" his throwing arm once) This Rule applies to superstars of teams who just can't quite win the big one on a regular basis. With fame comes responsibility and when you lose, it normally falls on guys like Chipper. Never mind he's the second best switch hitter of all time, the greatest Brave other than Hank, and helped them win their ONLY World Series....he has played his entire career in ATL without seriously considering leaving. Yet, he is still a pariah. Think about all the old stories about Mickey Mantle, Joe Namath, Muhammad Ali and Dimaggio or modern guys like Michael Jordan, Jeter, and Larry Bird? Hell, all of these guys had skeletons in their closets, big ones.....waaaaay bigger than "what's that sore on his lip?"  The difference between these guys and Chipper? Winning on a consistent basis and not being in Atlanta.

Ponder this: Don Mattingly and Wade Boggs played for the Yankees and Red Sox, respectively, in the 1980's. Neither of them won a World Series title during their entire careers in New York and Boston, and for the the most part, the franchises were not successful when they played for them. However, these guys are universally revered by Yankees and Red Sox fans. Hell, Boggs finally won a ring playing for NY in the late 90's and Boston people were happy for him. Just think if Chipper defected to the Mets and won a World Series ring? Would Atlanta be happy for him? Yeah, about as happy as a Cassville native who won a free ride-along with Jeff Gordon.

Stay tuned for more Rules and Theories in the future. I'm currently working on a few theories for Cassville:

1) The "Empty 2 Cycle Oil Can" Rule
2) The "John Deere Lawnmower" Fallacy
3) The "I've Switched to Red Man Golden Blend" Theory
4) The "She Done Left Me" Syndrome
5) The "Workin' on Mah Car" Excuse