Misconceptions about the South....Non-Political Version

As the area of the United States that is the most often discussed, written about, romanticized, demonized, idolized, and analyzed, we are sadly also generalized. Now, I'm not going to discuss all the serious issues that are factually airtight, according to the national media: the racism that just runs rampant in all Southern towns, our destitute education system, our failed dental hygiene, our requited love for our cousins, and our children's permanent Kool-Aid mustaches. They portray us in a light that suits them. They want to interview the fat lady in the mumu and hair curlers after a tornado. They want a Klan rally to occur in downtown Hoot n' Holler, Arkansas (population: 37) so they can say, "See? They are no different!" Just wait for a slow news day, the AP will run a story about the South that is less than flattering every time. Thank God for political disasters, the Occupy people, melting ozone, hurricanes, the Mayan calendar, Snooki and American Idol. If they did not exist, we'd be the topic of the national news every minute.

No, I'm not discussing serious stuff here. Why? I'm not that serious of a person. I happen to believe that God, in His infinite wisdom, made it feel good to laugh for a reason. I've never felt good after a rousing debate about gas prices, school board policy or whether Iraq has 28 WMD's stored under a used camel lot in downtown Basrah. Undoubtedly, I just end up more mad and even further divided from the people I was arguing with. I have my opinions, but I've never seen them directly affect anyone but me. However, I have seen a group of people laugh at something I've said, or get an email from somebody who tells me that I made their day with a Cassville story.....and that's what it's all about. It's the reason I never watch the news, but I watch every Comedy Central Roast. I don't catch the newest presidential debate, but if there's a Three Stooges marathon, I'm in. I'd rather have met Lewis Grizzard than John F. Kennedy. (unless he wanted to talk about Marilyn)

So, I'm here to clear up a few misconceptions about the South right here and now. These will be relevant to the modern day South, not the "Gone With the Wind" South. I've never stood in a pasture and screamed "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again!!" Sorry. We are just not that dramatic these days. I did scream it in the Waffle House parking lot on Cass-White Road once, but a triple order of hash browns (scattered, smothered, covered, and chunked) took care of that. Now the Waffle House has a "topped" option for hash browns...which means they cover all that goodness with a blanket of sausage gravy. For me, that's akin to walking through the Pearly Gates and my Granddads are both standing there bragging about a bass they just caught. It doesn't get better, really.

Misconceptions

#1 We All Think That Larry The Cable Guy is Funny

Nope. He's not, unless you like an hour of toilet humor mixed with a fake Southern accent. He's like the Kenny Chesney of comedy and people down here just go crazy for him. Call up "Larry Whitney" on Youtube and see for yourself. "Git-R-Done" needs to get the hell on. I watch the crowd when he says that tagline and they all let out a big "woooooooo" when he does this. Let it be known right now: only Ric Flair is allowed this response, not some fraudulent hick that put on some flannel, picked 3-4 stereotypes to play with, developed an accent and latched on to Jeff Foxworthy like a chigger on my leg after walking through our old pasture.

#2 Garth Brooks is the Best and Most Popular Country Singer Here

Garth had a ton of hits, of this there is no doubt. The man made millions of dollars singing of Low Places, Bar Associations, Rivers, Fires, and Calling the Old Man Out. However, I can say that he is not held in the same regard as Alan Jackson, George Strait or any of the old school singers. Why? He had a sissy factor. Yep, I said it. We were discussing it at the store once and one man said, "you know, I'd like to have a beer with George Jones. I mean, come on, it's George Jones. But Garth? Man, I don't know. He'd probably start talking about his feelings or how much starch he used in his shirt." Then, he pulled the Chris Gaines debacle that sealed his fate with true Southerners forever. Could you even imagine George Strait doing this? I could see his producers now...

(nervously kicking the dirt at his feet) "George, hey, look...um, we need you to connect with a new audience. This generation doesn't want Amarillo By Morning. They want songs about unrequited teenage love coupled with pill addictions, reality TV references, guitar distortion and at least one cameo by Kanye West in a music video. You are gonna need to highlight your hair and lose the hat. I think we will call you Tommy "44" Magnum. Deal?"

"Naw." George then spits Skoal on producer's Gucci loafer, choke slams an Angus Bull just to prove a point and drives off in his pickup, exuding masculinity and discounting any notions of tomfoolery in his countenance. (sorry, had to do the SAT word thing. It's that bad education down here, I'm tellin' you)

#3 Every Lawyer Down Here Wears Seersucker Suits

Speaking from personal experience, I look like a clown in seersucker and a bow tie. I might as well have a hand buzzer and a flower that squirts water pinned to my lapel. It works for some people, like old men with goatees, short guys, plaintiff's attorneys, or Bobby Lee Cook, who can wear whatever he wants. Every time I see somebody other than the aforementioned people in a seersucker suit, I want to say, "Hey, Captain Tryingtoohard, what's up?" Plus, seersucker is not exactly comfortable when its 90 degrees outside with 85% humidity. It's hard to convince a jury of anything with your shirt soaked and hair matted down like Norman Reedus on The Walking Dead.

#4 We Always Want to Hear "Freebird" in Bars or Any Live Music Situation

Undoubtedly, when somebody is playing live music in a bar, "Freebird!" is screamed to the top of somebody's Miller Lite soaked lungs when there is a quiet moment. If the singer asks if anybody has a request, "Freeeeeebiiiiird!!!" is without a doubt going to rattle the rafters. What people tend to forget is that the damn song is about 12 minutes long with no words for about six straight minutes. I know I'm not in the minority when I say that people lose interest in the song after about three or four minutes anyway. Don't get me wrong, I like Freebird, but it's not even close to being my favorite Southern rock song. In fact, it's not even the best song on the album it was recorded for. (Tuesday's Gone...much better if you ask me). So many people believe that Freebird is the quintessential Southern song simply because of the shouting phenomenon. They are wrong. That's like saying people in Cassville like Natural Light better than Budweiser because they buy it twice(d) as much. Nope. If a big bonus check comes in, they will walk out with two cases of Bud Heavy quicker than you can say "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Roses is my life story."

Just once, I want somebody to shout "Green Grass and High Tides," "Mindbender," or "Blue Jeans Blues." One night, in a smoky bar somewhere in northwest Georgia, I want a guy to pull out his lighter, start swaying and scream "Highwaaaaaay Saaaaawwwwwwwngggg!!!! (Highway Song by Blackfoot. Download it, Southern people. Immediately.) Shoot, somebody let me bum a lighter, a Marlboro, a Camaro, and pending assault charge....and I'll have the band play the entire "Mullets Rock" compilation, beginning to end. Just ask the patrons of Wild Wing Cafe in Athens, Georgia, ca. August 2005. I had a live band from Savannah playing Allman Brothers, Marshall Tucker Band and Atlanta Rhythm Section all night long and I was wearing a tux. Imagine the damage I could do with an airbrushed "wolf howling over a canyon" t-shirt and a Schlitz 16 oz can.

#5 We Mispronounce the Word "Pen."

Nope. The rest of you are wrong. Get over it.

You are also wrong about other words too (these are two that I've been questioned/chastized about the most):

"Coke" or "Co-Cola" is acceptable for any soft drink. The whole country calls all tissues "Kleenexes" and all adhesive bandages "BandAids." We lay claim to soft drinks. Get over it.

"Fixing to" is an acceptable verb. We are basically informing you that we are arranging our schedules accordingly to effectuate the completion of  the pending activity that you are inquiring about. See? That's a mouthful. We are just being efficient. Get over it.

Conclusion: We Ain't Perfect

There are so many more misconceptions about the South out there. It doesn't make us mad, quite frankly, we relish the difference and wallow in it, like a pig in slop. We know we are not perfect. We also misconceive things ourselves. For example, why are there so many girls down here named "Charity" and "Chastity," who are neither charitable nor chaste. Why do we insist on the continuation of the Huddle House? It's not an alternative, it's sacrilege. How do we look in the mirror at ourselves when we let Kenny Chesney continue to make music? And what's with the Panama City obsession? I love my people, but dang, if I wanted to hang around thousands of idiots, wait in line to for a club that will be shut down by the cops in the next hour and get overcharged for second hand food...I'd go to a Larry the Cable Guy show.

Have a great weekend. (lighter's up, swaying ensues, ".38 Special!!!" and the crowd at Starbucks goes out the door, thinking I have a gun.)