"I'm pleased where we are."
That was Mark Richt at halftime yesterday. Granted, he was accosted by the halftime interviewer and he was clearly not excited about it, but still. I almost choked on my short rib sandwich. The only thing "pleasing" about that first half was that the clock hit 0:00 and it mercifully ended. All I could think of was cheesy TV show ultimatums:
"You are the weakest link, goodbye."
"You're fired."
"The Tribal Council has spoken."
"The DNA results show that you ARE the father of D'arron-tay."
I just stared at the television and realized that I may have witnessed one of the top 5 worst halves of football in Sanford Stadium ever. Also in the running, in no particular order:
1) The second half of the 2000 Auburn game
2) The first half of the 2000 Tech game
3) The second half of the 2008 Tech game
4) The second half of the 1994 Vandy game
5) The first half of the 2008 Alabama game
The difference was that we were winning at the half of this game, which makes it almost worse. Stupid penalty after stupid penalty. A turnover. An inept secondary that resembled the mannequins at Bloomingdale's on 58th Street. In fact, the mannequins are actually better because they are serving some purpose. I did not realize that the "stand and stare" defense was still being used in college football. If we pull this garbage with Auburn, it will be 35-7 at the half. I speak for many Dawg fans when I say that I am sick of the lack of intensity. That is the difference between us and Alabama. Their intensity never waivers, they never seem to sleepwalk through any games, much less a half of football. Our team seems to do this 2-3 times a year, without fail. We did it with North Texas, Vandy and Missouri already, so I guess we needed another one to make it an even number.
I must also point out another God-awful thing before I spout some positive vibes. I received a text from a friend in the stadium. Not only did he point out that the homecoming attendance was piss poor, he also reminded me of something that I HATE beyond words. Aaron Murray completed a 23 yard touchdown pass to Michael Bennett in the second quarter, which made him the all-time SEC record holder for career touchdown passes. The potential to break this record was common knowledge on this day. Hell, when Bennett caught it, I said aloud "there it is!" Here is where my blood boils:
Did UGA acknowledge this on the Jumbotron directly thereafter? No. Instead, they played that stupid "hide the McDonald's fries behind UGA's head" video that seems to ignite our crowd for some damn reason. The fries appear, then three UGA heads pop up, the fries go behind one of the heads and then the heads spin around, trying to confuse the erudite Sanford Stadium crowd. When the heads stop spinning, the 93,000 loyal fans (or 70,000 on this day, I don't care what the stat sheet says) are encouraged to scream aloud which UGA head the fries have so deviously concealed themselves behind. AND IT WORKS! I swear, people get into this video more than a 3rd and long against Florida. There is a collective shout of the numbers "1, 2 or 3" and then we wait with baited breath for the video to reveal the fries. Oh my God, it is behind number 2!!! When they guess correctly, grown men cheer and high-five as if they just won their fantasy football pool money. Women cry and hug. Children are hoisted on shoulders like a 4th of July parade is going by. This happens at every single game. I am convinced that this recurring moment is the reason we lost the 2012 SEC Championship, that Herschel went pro early and Terrence Edwards dropped that pass in Jacksonville in 2002. I absolutely detest this video. In fact, I can only think of five things worse:
1) Conducting a deposition with Justin Bieber and Kenny Chesney in a copyright infringement lawsuit over who has the rights to wear leather shirts in public
2) Finding a bloody needle in your hamburger
3) Being locked in a Hollister store with Jason Aldean blaring over the speakers
4) The word "irregardless"
5) Listening to forty-five minute Nextel two-way radio conversations about PVC pipe at Cass Grocery.
"Hell, Randy said it was 3/4 inch."
"Naw, man, it's an inch and a half."
"Naw, Randy is usually right on these things."
"Naw he ain't."
"Should I get some 90 degree elbows?"
"Get 4."
"I'll get 5."
"Naw man, get 4. I still think it's 3/4 of an inch."
"Measure it again."
"I don't have a tape measure."
"What?"
"I don't have a tape measure."
"10-4, I am going to lunch."
So, with this knowledge, I ordered a Bulleit Bourbon and just stewed all during halftime. I felt sorry for the homecoming court actually, even though homecoming at a large university is quite impersonal. In fact, I did not know the homecoming queen in 3 out of the 4 years I was in school and only voted once because I was forced. Yet, I did not want their day to be marred by a dreadful loss. App State is not the App State of 2007 that whipped Michigan. They are 2-7 in FCS play and they are hanging right with us.
Well, that ended quickly in the second half. Apparently, the halftime motivation speeches worked. (since we need a speech to get fired up to beat App State) Murray came out firing on all cylinders. The running game really got going, the line got dominant and Gurley, Douglas and Green gashed App State. Michael "Old Faithful" Bennett just keeps rolling along. Rantavious Wooten had his best game as a Dawg. Jonathan Rumph made his presence known with a 98 yard day. Reggie Davis had a spectacular catch at the goal line. Marshall Morgan nailed another long field goal. Hutson Mason looked awesome and gave me some hope for next year. We ended up with over 500 yards of offense. The defense decided to become more than mannequins and made some plays as well. Ramik Wilson continues to rack up tackles (he leads the SEC), Ray Drew had another excellent game, Amarlo Herrera had an interception, and Chris Mayes caved in the middle of their Oline almost continuously. I am also encouraged by the play of Shaq Wiggins, Sheldon Dawson and Josh Harvey-Clemons. I think that group just needs some experience and confidence before they can be consistent. The second half was the inverse of the first and it made this Dawg happy, happy, happy.
I must say though, the referees in this game should be sanctioned. They were beyond terrible. The Corey Moore ejection and the upholding of the fumble call on Herrera was inexcusable. The TV crew was incredulous. In fact, there was a play where two members of Georgia's secondary just watched an App State player catch a ball in the air and waited for him to land before hitting him. One broadcaster said, "wow, that was a ball that Georgia should have made a play on." The other broadcaster said something to the effect of, "well, how can they? They just watched one of their own get ejected for a clean hit. They saw Ray Drew get ejected at Vanderbilt. This rule needs to be reviewed badly, it is staining the game." The Herrera call was 100% wrong. Forget indisputable evidence, there was ALL the evidence one could possibly gather that he did not fumble. If this was NCIS, the episode would have been over in 13.7 seconds. We seem to be on the wrong end of so many calls and the NCAA is slowly ruining this great game.
So, next week is Auburn. A team that has overachieved in Gus Malzahn's first season. Their quarterback is a former UGA player who was dismissed for stealing from a teammate. Sounds like another Auburn quarterback I remember. I cannot stand Auburn's football team and I hope they lose every game they play. Our defense better be ready though, these Tigers are itching for payback for the consistent beatings we have been giving them . I guess they have not been motivating (AKA paying their players) enough to maintain focus against us for the last few seasons.
Other highlights:
1) Florida sucks. Nuf said. Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of fairweathered clowns. I wish Bama and FSU could play for the National Title in Gainesville, then afterwards have a giant bonfire at the 50 yard line with us and Miami in attendance. We would invite their "fans," but they probably could not find the stadium.
2) Les Miles is the greatest halftime interviewee ever. I hope he stays at LSU until he is 90. Could you imagine a slightly senile Les Miles conducting a halftime interview? "I love this team more than those lollipops you get at the bank. We embrace the competition and this wonderful night with our awesome purple uniforms....um, do you have any tapioca pudding?"
3) Aaron Murray is only 40 touchdowns behind Case Keenum of Houston for the all time NCAA record for touchdown passes. In fact, nobody in the top ten of that category played football east of the Mississippi River. Apparently, they actually DO use mannequins on defense out west.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Misery Loves Company and I Ain't Got a Ride to Your Pity Party
This has been a week of reflection for me It is a week where I found myself waxing philosophic in my head and then voicing my thoughts to other people. I am not one of those "quote" people who walk through life spouting off Walt Whitman or Henry David Thoreau passages to every passing ship in the night. Maybe I am feeling my age or worse yet, maturity is getting the best of me. Somebody might say, "well, that's a good thing!" I don't know, I am not sure I want to grow up yet. Frankly, this week has shown me that this world is absolutely full of miserable people and I know for a fact that I am not one of them, nor do I want to be. However, my patience is wearing awfully thin for the whiners, complainers, poormouthers, the envious, the rude, and the outright mean individuals that I come across every single day. Those who follow the George Costanza routine of "look angry and shuffle papers on your desk." Just the other day, and I kid you not, I told someone, "Man, it's a nice sunny day today!" His response:
"I don't know, I kinda wish it was raining."
Hey Eeyore, I am about to send you to the damn glue factory. Ugh.
In any event, I press on. "I rage against the dying of the light," as Dylan Thomas so eloquently puts it. (see, waxing philosphic!) Life is too short to be miserable and it's definitely too short to let other miserable people drag you down into their shame spiral (+1 for Clueless reference....yeah, I like that movie, sue me). Some people are beyond rehabilitation and their world crashes every day. They simply want company in their own personal Apocalypse and I ain't read a thing about that in the Revelation, so leave me out of it.
I remember at Cass Grocery, we had our share of moments that drove us nuts, either collectively or individually. Some were warranted: shoplifting, bitching too much about prices, using our restroom and leaving it resembling Chernobyl ten minutes after the nuclear plant exploded. Then there were trivial things that customers would do that would just absolutely get under my skin and it would ruin the next few hours because I would dwell on it. For example:
1) Getting a six pack of beer and not closing the cooler door all the way
2) Picking up a Snickers, deciding against it, and putting it in the Reeses Pieces box
3) Leaving a used coffee stirring stick on the counter
4) Watching me make a sandwich or a hot dog and say "that's too much mustard" or "put some more lettuce on there."
5) Dropping a 20 ounce plastic Coke, getting another one, and putting the ticking time bomb back in the cooler for the next guy to get victimized
People who accomplished the above tasks (some people could do 2-3 of them in one visit to the store) were scum to me. I would just boil watching them, thinking of how much I wanted to rake their shins with my Air Jordans. To the teenage me, this was all akin to the following:
1) Voting for George McGovern for President
2) Kicking a box of lab puppies or my Trapper Keeper's velcro finally wearing out
3) Cheering for Georgia Tech or Florida on purpose
4) That POS Jeff stealing Kelly Kapowski from Zack before prom
5) Leaving my giant Sony boombox, containing my cassette single of Collective Soul's "December," in the rain
I had my reasons, mind you. Leaving the cooler door open was pure lackadaisical slackness at its worst. Pee Wee, Pee Wee Junior, Tony, Dale, Doc, Debbie, Rudy, George, and Fufu had to buy that beer too. They did not want their Olde English 800 "Forty" or 12 pack of Natty Ice to be room temperature.
**Natty Ice was the alpha and omega of beers to rural Georgians back then. It was 5.9% alcohol, which was the highest possible alcohol content allowed in Georgia at the time. "Whew boy, this stuff will get you druuuuuuuunk!" Little did they know that across the big pond, Trappist monks in Belgium were making beers with 13% alcohol. I could see a road trip now: Cedar Creek Road does Brussels. We would have those Belgians screaming profanity at Sterling Marlin and have a domestic violence charge on their record in no time flat.
Putting candy in the wrong box and the coffee stirring stick on the counter was close behind. It was just one more thing for me to do that wasted my time. People watching me make their sandwich or hot dog and critiquing my artwork really irked me. Would you stand over Leonardo Da Vinci while he painted the Mona Lisa and say, "Her smile is a little too coy."? No. You would not. Preparing the chili dog to perfection is a skill acquired over time. Nobody could concoct the perfect artery clogging, gut bomb like I could. Keep your eyes off the canvas while the artist works, please. Leaving a freshly dropped 20 ounce Coke in the cooler was just plain mean. Not only would it explode all over the person buying it, it would be all over my floor (which I would have to clean) and I would have to give them a free one for the trouble. You just cost us 4 cents and gave me another opportunity to mop.....if I had a voodoo doll, I would have thrown it in the meat slicer and flipped the switch.
See? Aren't you angry yet? Don't you want to find these people and rip them a new one? Reliving these things makes me want to......do nothing. Why? Because that is stupid and I choose to recall other things. Like the loyalty of our customer base, which includes the people who left cooler doors open. Those same people would tell a joke that would crack us up or lay drag on Cassville Road just to appease us. The people who left coffee stirring sticks on the counter and candy in the wrong box put me through college. The people watching me make their hot dog? They taught me to have thicker skin. Those who chose to leave a dropped 20 ounce Coke in the cooler? They showed me that nobody is perfect and sometimes you just have to accept people for what they are. I recall one day, I was ranting about something trivial to Billy and he said "you whine like a damned whipped mule, boy. You ain't got nothin to worthwhile to whine about." I am unaware of the sound made by a whipped mule, but it did not sound too good. You always learned a good lesson at Cass Grocery, whether by choice or by chance.
So, the point is, be happy. Stop finding every fault, every shortcoming, every little inconvenience in your life and beating yourself and everyone else to death with it. It is not interesting, it is not productive and you can't call it "venting" to mask what is really whining and bitching. Believe me, I beat several people over the head with my BS this week. I am over it. I have a Belgian restaurant nearby that has some of the good Trappist monk beer anyway. I could go over there and share a pint with some nice people. Although, the convenience store on 78th has a special on Natty Ice right now. I might just turn back the clock and indulge, call up a replay of the 1993 Daytona 500, turn on some Collective Soul and Rebel Yell everytime Ernie Irvan circles the track.
"I don't know, I kinda wish it was raining."
Hey Eeyore, I am about to send you to the damn glue factory. Ugh.
In any event, I press on. "I rage against the dying of the light," as Dylan Thomas so eloquently puts it. (see, waxing philosphic!) Life is too short to be miserable and it's definitely too short to let other miserable people drag you down into their shame spiral (+1 for Clueless reference....yeah, I like that movie, sue me). Some people are beyond rehabilitation and their world crashes every day. They simply want company in their own personal Apocalypse and I ain't read a thing about that in the Revelation, so leave me out of it.
I remember at Cass Grocery, we had our share of moments that drove us nuts, either collectively or individually. Some were warranted: shoplifting, bitching too much about prices, using our restroom and leaving it resembling Chernobyl ten minutes after the nuclear plant exploded. Then there were trivial things that customers would do that would just absolutely get under my skin and it would ruin the next few hours because I would dwell on it. For example:
1) Getting a six pack of beer and not closing the cooler door all the way
2) Picking up a Snickers, deciding against it, and putting it in the Reeses Pieces box
3) Leaving a used coffee stirring stick on the counter
4) Watching me make a sandwich or a hot dog and say "that's too much mustard" or "put some more lettuce on there."
5) Dropping a 20 ounce plastic Coke, getting another one, and putting the ticking time bomb back in the cooler for the next guy to get victimized
People who accomplished the above tasks (some people could do 2-3 of them in one visit to the store) were scum to me. I would just boil watching them, thinking of how much I wanted to rake their shins with my Air Jordans. To the teenage me, this was all akin to the following:
1) Voting for George McGovern for President
2) Kicking a box of lab puppies or my Trapper Keeper's velcro finally wearing out
3) Cheering for Georgia Tech or Florida on purpose
4) That POS Jeff stealing Kelly Kapowski from Zack before prom
5) Leaving my giant Sony boombox, containing my cassette single of Collective Soul's "December," in the rain
I had my reasons, mind you. Leaving the cooler door open was pure lackadaisical slackness at its worst. Pee Wee, Pee Wee Junior, Tony, Dale, Doc, Debbie, Rudy, George, and Fufu had to buy that beer too. They did not want their Olde English 800 "Forty" or 12 pack of Natty Ice to be room temperature.
**Natty Ice was the alpha and omega of beers to rural Georgians back then. It was 5.9% alcohol, which was the highest possible alcohol content allowed in Georgia at the time. "Whew boy, this stuff will get you druuuuuuuunk!" Little did they know that across the big pond, Trappist monks in Belgium were making beers with 13% alcohol. I could see a road trip now: Cedar Creek Road does Brussels. We would have those Belgians screaming profanity at Sterling Marlin and have a domestic violence charge on their record in no time flat.
Putting candy in the wrong box and the coffee stirring stick on the counter was close behind. It was just one more thing for me to do that wasted my time. People watching me make their sandwich or hot dog and critiquing my artwork really irked me. Would you stand over Leonardo Da Vinci while he painted the Mona Lisa and say, "Her smile is a little too coy."? No. You would not. Preparing the chili dog to perfection is a skill acquired over time. Nobody could concoct the perfect artery clogging, gut bomb like I could. Keep your eyes off the canvas while the artist works, please. Leaving a freshly dropped 20 ounce Coke in the cooler was just plain mean. Not only would it explode all over the person buying it, it would be all over my floor (which I would have to clean) and I would have to give them a free one for the trouble. You just cost us 4 cents and gave me another opportunity to mop.....if I had a voodoo doll, I would have thrown it in the meat slicer and flipped the switch.
See? Aren't you angry yet? Don't you want to find these people and rip them a new one? Reliving these things makes me want to......do nothing. Why? Because that is stupid and I choose to recall other things. Like the loyalty of our customer base, which includes the people who left cooler doors open. Those same people would tell a joke that would crack us up or lay drag on Cassville Road just to appease us. The people who left coffee stirring sticks on the counter and candy in the wrong box put me through college. The people watching me make their hot dog? They taught me to have thicker skin. Those who chose to leave a dropped 20 ounce Coke in the cooler? They showed me that nobody is perfect and sometimes you just have to accept people for what they are. I recall one day, I was ranting about something trivial to Billy and he said "you whine like a damned whipped mule, boy. You ain't got nothin to worthwhile to whine about." I am unaware of the sound made by a whipped mule, but it did not sound too good. You always learned a good lesson at Cass Grocery, whether by choice or by chance.
So, the point is, be happy. Stop finding every fault, every shortcoming, every little inconvenience in your life and beating yourself and everyone else to death with it. It is not interesting, it is not productive and you can't call it "venting" to mask what is really whining and bitching. Believe me, I beat several people over the head with my BS this week. I am over it. I have a Belgian restaurant nearby that has some of the good Trappist monk beer anyway. I could go over there and share a pint with some nice people. Although, the convenience store on 78th has a special on Natty Ice right now. I might just turn back the clock and indulge, call up a replay of the 1993 Daytona 500, turn on some Collective Soul and Rebel Yell everytime Ernie Irvan circles the track.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Recap of the Game: Taxation of My Soul, Without Representation
I cannot think of a Georgia football season that I have enjoyed less than this one. Maybe it's because we have so many injuries, that our defense is nothing short of terrible or the disheartening ways in which we lost to Vanderbilt and Missouri. In any event, I have stayed the course and watched every game. I have not done any recaps because frankly, I have not been inspired to do so. The games have been taxing to the point where they have ruined the rest of my Saturday, win or lose. Why? Because every season since 2006 has been this way and I am just tired of it. Our protocol is so predictable: we win a couple of close ones over rivals, we play two cupcakes, lose at least one game in such poor fashion that we may as well have forfeited (UT in 2007, Bama in 2008, Florida in 2009, the entire 2010 season, Boise in 2011, South Carolina in 2012 and Missouri in 2013) play Vandy and/or Kentucky like we forgot how to walk and talk at the same time, and sometimes look so uninspired and out of place that it makes me want to headbutt my laptop. We have lost to Michigan State in a bowl game. LSU blew us out in Atlanta after we had a lead because we punt to the best return man in the nation OUT OF OUR OWN END ZONE. We had Bama beat in 2012. Had 'em. Then our defensive line decided to take the 4th quarter off. I will NEVER forgive Kwame Geathers or Jonathan Jenkins. (who were out of shape for the game, yet showed up to the NFL combine a month later in perfect shape)We lost to Central Florida and Oklahoma State. When we get up on people, we completely take our foot off the gas and let them back into the game. Our special teams literally take years off my life every time they walk on the field. We have a defensive coordinator who is on borrowed time, counting the days until he gets back to the NFL. Yes, friends, I am just exhausted with this "same ol, same ol" stuff.
Despite all of that, I cannot say that a victory over the Swamp Lizards is not gratifying. I have little-to -no use for Florida and their "Johnny Come Lately" fanbase. Finding a non-alumni Florida fan before 1990 was like trying to find a needle in a stack of needles. (+1 for Saving Private Ryan reference) Now, they are as thick as a swarm of mosquitoes over stagnant pond water. You will not find a less knowledgeable, more low-rent bunch in the country. I would bet you half of Bartow County that none of them can name a coach prior to Spurrier, one running back prior to Emmitt or a single offensive lineman that played prior to 1990. Then you add their traitorous, foul-mouthed head coach into the mix and you just ignite hatred in me, which equals inspiration to write this blog. This recap is brought to you by Starbucks, the Average White Band song "Pick Up the Pieces," Derek Jeter's new contract, Obamacare, my 28th pair of sunglasses since 2010 and the lint in my sweatpants, which is still more interesting than North Korea.
Florida kicks off to us and we literally smash it right down their throats. Todd Gurley is the biggest difference maker for us since Knowshon Moreno/AJ Green. He changes everything when he gets his mitts on the ball. His first possession was a first down gain and he came up talking and shoving the Florida defenders. Todd is a mild-mannered guy so I knew this game was going to be a mess before long. Murray marched us right down to their goal line and Gurley dragged three of them into the end zone to make it 7-0. Our line was destroying theirs completely and Will Muschamp had six mini-strokes on the sideline. The drive was the most dominating thing I have seen all season. In fact, I can only think of five things more dominating:
1) Every Mike Tyson fight prior to 1989
2) Arnold Schwarzeneggar and his team of awesomeness vs. drug dealing commandos in "Predator."
3) A group of senior citizens vs. cherry vanilla ice cream at Cass Grocery
4) Bo Jackson vs. Kansas City defense in Tecmo Bowl
5) Me vs. a cannoli at Cafe Palermo
We do one of our "directional" kickoffs to Florida and this time, it works. I do not know if this is a lack of confidence in our coverage ability (warranted) or respect for Florida's speed (unwarranted, they deserve no respect). Their anemic offense comes out and runs two garbage plays before nailing a 50 yard pass right down the middle on 3rd and long. Our cover man was completely out of position and no safety was available to come over the top to defend a damn thing. A disturbing stat flashed across the screen: "Georgia has forced seven turnovers this season, only 4 other teams in major college football have forced less." It was not shocking, but to see it in print was really disconcerting. Our defense sucks, no other way to say it. Anyone who thought we had a chance to win the SEC this year, all you have to do is watch our defense to know that is a pipe dream. Forget the injuries. Having to outscore everyone in a shootout is not a recipe for a championship, just ask the Pac-12. We give up 3rd and longs easier than France capitulating and surrendering to Germany in 1940. It's almost a rule at this point, an almost certainty that we will not stop anyone on 3rd and long. It's so maddening to watch, that I literally get physically ill as soon as the ball is snapped. In fact, there are only five things I can say are worse:
1) Having dinner with Michael Adams, Kenny Chesney, Justin Bieber and Al Sharpton at Red Lobster.
2) Trigonometry. (Still haven't figured out the point of that uselessness)
3) People who go for runs on the Central Park trail with strollers and/or dogs.
4) People who use the terms "power lunch," "yolo," "vacay," or "toodles" on purpose.
5) The 50th "Free Tibet" parade this year in Midtown involving thousands of white people being angry. (people who are neither Tibetan, have been to Tibet or know anyone from Tibet.)
Anyhow, their offense stalls out and they miss the field goal attempt. Score one for our maligned defense. Maybe the Good Lord is having mercy, I thought.
We get the ball back and strike so fast. Gurley on his gimpy ankle catches a dump pass and takes it 73 yards for another touchdown. So much for Florida's vaunted speed. They get the ball back and do nothing once again. Their freshman running back, Kelvin Taylor, is pretty good but Florida looks like the Walking Dead on offense. They kind of wander around willy-nilly until they hear a sound and they wander toward said sound aimlessly and hope to catch something. Meanwhile, Muschamp has said 67 f-bombs and rants and raves about every penalty called against Florida in a manner that would win him an Oscar if he was in a Scorsese movie. Florida is a mess and I love it. The rest of the half is a back and forth where we score nine more points on three field goals. Gurley is gassed from the lack of playing and Brendan Douglas/JJ Green do a nice job filling in. Brendan has become one of those guys that you cannot hit up top because you are sure to make his highlight reel. He destroyed one of Florida's secondary members on a nice 15 yard gain. Rhett McGowan makes the play of the game to get us in range for our last field goal. They end up with a field goal and several penalties for unsportsmanlike conduct. The camera caught Dante Fowler trying to poke Gurley's eye after a tackle, a play that I hope is reviewed by the SEC and some form of punishment is meted out. If Ray Drew is ejected from Vandy for pushing their quarterback to the ground, Fowler should be thrown out of the next three games. However, I have no confidence in the league or the NCAA to do anything. We go into halftime up 23-3 and I feel like we have control.
"Control" is a song by Janet Jackson. The final seconds of the song, she says:
I'm in control,
uhh,
I'm in control,
ahh,
don't make me lose it,
control.
We lost it and we lost it in such a typical, boneheaded way that makes Georgia football for the last seven seasons feel like a job rather than a fun activity. Our offensive playcalling went completely conservative (playing not to lose, rather than to win) and our players make moronic mistakes that let the other team right back in the game. The lateral fumble and the sack for a safety....ten years ago, I would have been incredulous. Now, I just say "typical." Our players and more importantly, our coaching staff, play not to lose when we have a lead. Why are we throwing laterals with a twenty point lead? Why aren't we toss sweeping them to death? Why run a slow developing play action in your own end zone? As Janet Jackson says above, UHHHHHHH!!!!!AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I could feel my blood boiling. It was like a bad Twilight Zone. (+1 for Tommy Boy reference) Then we blow that 4th and 1 play completely and I just could not take anymore. Gurley had three guys on him, untouched, before he could make a cut. All of these Top Ten recruiting classes, pre-season hype, the beat writers saying, "this Georgia team is different than last year, this team could be special," blah blah blah. Nothing has changed. We are lucky that Florida is a bigger mess than we are. They are a collection of thugs who are a reflection of a bad coach. Our lack of intensity or ability to put anyone away with a big lead is a reflection as well. The ending of the game was more "thank God" than "hooray, we won!" Let's not forget that "12 men on the field" penalty AFTER A $%%%#^ TIMEOUT. Control. I lost it.
I will take the win, most certainly. Corey Moore's sack was a great play. Murray played well for the most part. Gurley was awesome. However, we are unranked, we lost to Vandy and were pummeled at home by Missouri. We have almost no shot to make it to Atlanta and if we do, Alabama will sacrifice us to the football gods like an Aztec virgin. Does anyone believe we could play with FSU right now? If you do, I will have whatever you are drinking. Somebody called me "Debbie Downer" earlier......no. I'm more like "Ricky Reality." We will go to another non-descript bowl game and then talk all summer about how next year will be "the year." No. It will not. I firmly believe that.
Despite all of that, I cannot say that a victory over the Swamp Lizards is not gratifying. I have little-to -no use for Florida and their "Johnny Come Lately" fanbase. Finding a non-alumni Florida fan before 1990 was like trying to find a needle in a stack of needles. (+1 for Saving Private Ryan reference) Now, they are as thick as a swarm of mosquitoes over stagnant pond water. You will not find a less knowledgeable, more low-rent bunch in the country. I would bet you half of Bartow County that none of them can name a coach prior to Spurrier, one running back prior to Emmitt or a single offensive lineman that played prior to 1990. Then you add their traitorous, foul-mouthed head coach into the mix and you just ignite hatred in me, which equals inspiration to write this blog. This recap is brought to you by Starbucks, the Average White Band song "Pick Up the Pieces," Derek Jeter's new contract, Obamacare, my 28th pair of sunglasses since 2010 and the lint in my sweatpants, which is still more interesting than North Korea.
Florida kicks off to us and we literally smash it right down their throats. Todd Gurley is the biggest difference maker for us since Knowshon Moreno/AJ Green. He changes everything when he gets his mitts on the ball. His first possession was a first down gain and he came up talking and shoving the Florida defenders. Todd is a mild-mannered guy so I knew this game was going to be a mess before long. Murray marched us right down to their goal line and Gurley dragged three of them into the end zone to make it 7-0. Our line was destroying theirs completely and Will Muschamp had six mini-strokes on the sideline. The drive was the most dominating thing I have seen all season. In fact, I can only think of five things more dominating:
1) Every Mike Tyson fight prior to 1989
2) Arnold Schwarzeneggar and his team of awesomeness vs. drug dealing commandos in "Predator."
3) A group of senior citizens vs. cherry vanilla ice cream at Cass Grocery
4) Bo Jackson vs. Kansas City defense in Tecmo Bowl
5) Me vs. a cannoli at Cafe Palermo
We do one of our "directional" kickoffs to Florida and this time, it works. I do not know if this is a lack of confidence in our coverage ability (warranted) or respect for Florida's speed (unwarranted, they deserve no respect). Their anemic offense comes out and runs two garbage plays before nailing a 50 yard pass right down the middle on 3rd and long. Our cover man was completely out of position and no safety was available to come over the top to defend a damn thing. A disturbing stat flashed across the screen: "Georgia has forced seven turnovers this season, only 4 other teams in major college football have forced less." It was not shocking, but to see it in print was really disconcerting. Our defense sucks, no other way to say it. Anyone who thought we had a chance to win the SEC this year, all you have to do is watch our defense to know that is a pipe dream. Forget the injuries. Having to outscore everyone in a shootout is not a recipe for a championship, just ask the Pac-12. We give up 3rd and longs easier than France capitulating and surrendering to Germany in 1940. It's almost a rule at this point, an almost certainty that we will not stop anyone on 3rd and long. It's so maddening to watch, that I literally get physically ill as soon as the ball is snapped. In fact, there are only five things I can say are worse:
1) Having dinner with Michael Adams, Kenny Chesney, Justin Bieber and Al Sharpton at Red Lobster.
2) Trigonometry. (Still haven't figured out the point of that uselessness)
3) People who go for runs on the Central Park trail with strollers and/or dogs.
4) People who use the terms "power lunch," "yolo," "vacay," or "toodles" on purpose.
5) The 50th "Free Tibet" parade this year in Midtown involving thousands of white people being angry. (people who are neither Tibetan, have been to Tibet or know anyone from Tibet.)
Anyhow, their offense stalls out and they miss the field goal attempt. Score one for our maligned defense. Maybe the Good Lord is having mercy, I thought.
We get the ball back and strike so fast. Gurley on his gimpy ankle catches a dump pass and takes it 73 yards for another touchdown. So much for Florida's vaunted speed. They get the ball back and do nothing once again. Their freshman running back, Kelvin Taylor, is pretty good but Florida looks like the Walking Dead on offense. They kind of wander around willy-nilly until they hear a sound and they wander toward said sound aimlessly and hope to catch something. Meanwhile, Muschamp has said 67 f-bombs and rants and raves about every penalty called against Florida in a manner that would win him an Oscar if he was in a Scorsese movie. Florida is a mess and I love it. The rest of the half is a back and forth where we score nine more points on three field goals. Gurley is gassed from the lack of playing and Brendan Douglas/JJ Green do a nice job filling in. Brendan has become one of those guys that you cannot hit up top because you are sure to make his highlight reel. He destroyed one of Florida's secondary members on a nice 15 yard gain. Rhett McGowan makes the play of the game to get us in range for our last field goal. They end up with a field goal and several penalties for unsportsmanlike conduct. The camera caught Dante Fowler trying to poke Gurley's eye after a tackle, a play that I hope is reviewed by the SEC and some form of punishment is meted out. If Ray Drew is ejected from Vandy for pushing their quarterback to the ground, Fowler should be thrown out of the next three games. However, I have no confidence in the league or the NCAA to do anything. We go into halftime up 23-3 and I feel like we have control.
"Control" is a song by Janet Jackson. The final seconds of the song, she says:
I'm in control,
uhh,
I'm in control,
ahh,
don't make me lose it,
control.
We lost it and we lost it in such a typical, boneheaded way that makes Georgia football for the last seven seasons feel like a job rather than a fun activity. Our offensive playcalling went completely conservative (playing not to lose, rather than to win) and our players make moronic mistakes that let the other team right back in the game. The lateral fumble and the sack for a safety....ten years ago, I would have been incredulous. Now, I just say "typical." Our players and more importantly, our coaching staff, play not to lose when we have a lead. Why are we throwing laterals with a twenty point lead? Why aren't we toss sweeping them to death? Why run a slow developing play action in your own end zone? As Janet Jackson says above, UHHHHHHH!!!!!AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I could feel my blood boiling. It was like a bad Twilight Zone. (+1 for Tommy Boy reference) Then we blow that 4th and 1 play completely and I just could not take anymore. Gurley had three guys on him, untouched, before he could make a cut. All of these Top Ten recruiting classes, pre-season hype, the beat writers saying, "this Georgia team is different than last year, this team could be special," blah blah blah. Nothing has changed. We are lucky that Florida is a bigger mess than we are. They are a collection of thugs who are a reflection of a bad coach. Our lack of intensity or ability to put anyone away with a big lead is a reflection as well. The ending of the game was more "thank God" than "hooray, we won!" Let's not forget that "12 men on the field" penalty AFTER A $%%%#^ TIMEOUT. Control. I lost it.
I will take the win, most certainly. Corey Moore's sack was a great play. Murray played well for the most part. Gurley was awesome. However, we are unranked, we lost to Vandy and were pummeled at home by Missouri. We have almost no shot to make it to Atlanta and if we do, Alabama will sacrifice us to the football gods like an Aztec virgin. Does anyone believe we could play with FSU right now? If you do, I will have whatever you are drinking. Somebody called me "Debbie Downer" earlier......no. I'm more like "Ricky Reality." We will go to another non-descript bowl game and then talk all summer about how next year will be "the year." No. It will not. I firmly believe that.
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About Me
- Brad
- I'm good at people watching and the memorization of useless facts. I'm voracious eater, reader, Crossfitter and Dawg fan. Shamelessly devoted to the cause of making 9-5 not suck so bad.