Recap of the Game: Taxation of My Soul, Without Representation

I cannot think of a Georgia football season that I have enjoyed less than this one. Maybe it's because we have so many injuries, that our defense is nothing short of terrible or the disheartening ways in which we lost to Vanderbilt and Missouri. In any event, I have stayed the course and watched every game. I have not done any recaps because frankly, I have not been inspired to do so. The games have been taxing to the point where they have ruined the rest of my Saturday, win or lose. Why? Because every season since 2006 has been this way and I am just tired of it. Our protocol is so predictable: we win a couple of close ones over rivals, we play two cupcakes, lose at least one game in such poor fashion that we may as well have forfeited (UT in 2007, Bama in 2008, Florida in 2009, the entire 2010 season, Boise in 2011, South Carolina in 2012 and Missouri in 2013) play Vandy and/or Kentucky like we forgot how to walk and talk at the same time, and sometimes look so uninspired and out of place that it makes me want to headbutt my laptop. We have lost to Michigan State in a bowl game. LSU blew us out in Atlanta after we had a lead because we punt to the best return man in the nation OUT OF OUR OWN END ZONE. We had Bama beat in 2012. Had 'em. Then our defensive line decided to take the 4th quarter off. I will NEVER forgive Kwame Geathers or Jonathan Jenkins. (who were out of shape for the game, yet showed up to the NFL combine a month later in perfect shape)We lost to Central Florida and Oklahoma State. When we get up on people, we completely take our foot off the gas and let them back into the game. Our special teams literally take years off my life every time they walk on the field. We have a defensive coordinator who is on borrowed time, counting the days until he gets back to the NFL. Yes, friends, I am just exhausted with this "same ol, same ol" stuff.

Despite all of that, I cannot say that a victory over the Swamp Lizards is not gratifying. I have little-to -no use for Florida and their "Johnny Come Lately" fanbase. Finding a non-alumni Florida fan before 1990 was like trying to find a needle in a stack of needles. (+1 for Saving Private Ryan reference) Now, they are as thick as a swarm of mosquitoes over stagnant pond water. You will not find a less knowledgeable, more low-rent bunch in the country. I would bet you half of Bartow County that none of them can name a coach prior to Spurrier, one running back prior to Emmitt or a single offensive lineman that played prior to 1990. Then you add their traitorous, foul-mouthed head coach into the mix and you just ignite hatred in me, which equals inspiration to write this blog. This recap is brought to you by Starbucks, the Average White Band song "Pick Up the Pieces," Derek Jeter's new contract, Obamacare, my 28th pair of sunglasses since 2010 and the lint in my sweatpants, which is still more interesting than North Korea.

Florida kicks off to us and we literally smash it right down their throats. Todd Gurley is the biggest difference maker for us since Knowshon Moreno/AJ Green. He changes everything when he gets his mitts on the ball. His first possession was a first down gain and he came up talking and shoving the Florida defenders. Todd is a mild-mannered guy so I knew this game was going to be a mess before long. Murray marched us right down to their goal line and Gurley dragged three of them into the end zone to make it 7-0. Our line was destroying theirs completely and Will Muschamp had six mini-strokes on the sideline. The drive was the most dominating thing I have seen all season. In fact, I can only think of five things more dominating:

1) Every Mike Tyson fight prior to 1989
2) Arnold Schwarzeneggar and his team of awesomeness vs. drug dealing commandos in "Predator."
3) A group of senior citizens vs. cherry vanilla ice cream at Cass Grocery
4) Bo Jackson vs. Kansas City defense in Tecmo Bowl
5) Me vs. a cannoli at Cafe Palermo

We do one of our "directional" kickoffs to Florida and this time, it works. I do not know if this is a lack of confidence in our coverage ability (warranted) or respect for Florida's speed (unwarranted, they deserve no respect). Their anemic offense comes out and runs two garbage plays before nailing a 50 yard pass right down the middle on 3rd and long. Our cover man was completely out of position and no safety was available to come over the top to defend a damn thing. A disturbing stat flashed across the screen: "Georgia has forced seven turnovers this season, only 4 other teams in major college football have forced less." It was not shocking, but to see it in print was really disconcerting. Our defense sucks, no other way to say it. Anyone who thought we had a chance to win the SEC this year, all you have to do is watch our defense to know that is a pipe dream. Forget the injuries. Having to outscore everyone in a shootout is not a recipe for a championship, just ask the Pac-12. We give up 3rd and longs easier than France capitulating and surrendering to Germany in 1940. It's almost a rule at this point, an almost certainty that we will not stop anyone on 3rd and long. It's so maddening to watch, that I literally get physically ill as soon as the ball is snapped. In fact, there are only five things I can say are worse:

1) Having dinner with Michael Adams, Kenny Chesney, Justin Bieber and Al Sharpton at Red Lobster.
2) Trigonometry. (Still haven't figured out the point of that uselessness)
3) People who go for runs on the Central Park trail with strollers and/or dogs.
4) People who use the terms "power lunch," "yolo," "vacay," or "toodles" on purpose.
5) The 50th "Free Tibet" parade this year in Midtown involving thousands of white people being angry. (people who are neither Tibetan, have been to Tibet or know anyone from Tibet.)

Anyhow, their offense stalls out and they miss the field goal attempt. Score one for our maligned defense. Maybe the Good Lord is having mercy, I thought.

We get the ball back and strike so fast. Gurley on his gimpy ankle catches a dump pass and takes it 73 yards for another touchdown. So much for Florida's vaunted speed. They get the ball back and do nothing once again. Their freshman running back, Kelvin Taylor, is pretty good but Florida looks like the Walking Dead on offense. They kind of wander around willy-nilly until they hear a sound and they wander toward said sound aimlessly and hope to catch something. Meanwhile, Muschamp has said 67 f-bombs and rants and raves about every penalty called against Florida in a manner that would win him an Oscar if he was in a Scorsese movie. Florida is a mess and I love it. The rest of the half is a back and forth where we score nine more points on three field goals. Gurley is gassed from the lack of playing and Brendan Douglas/JJ Green do a nice job filling in. Brendan has become one of those guys that you cannot hit up top because you are sure to make his highlight reel. He destroyed one of Florida's secondary members on a nice 15 yard gain. Rhett McGowan makes the play of the game to get us in range for our last field goal. They end up with a field goal and several penalties for unsportsmanlike conduct. The camera caught Dante Fowler trying to poke Gurley's eye after a tackle, a play that I hope is reviewed by the SEC and some form of punishment is meted out. If Ray Drew is ejected from Vandy for pushing their quarterback to the ground, Fowler should be thrown out of the next three games. However, I have no confidence in the league or the NCAA to do anything. We go into halftime up 23-3 and I feel like we have control.

"Control" is a song by Janet Jackson. The final seconds of the song, she says:

I'm in control,
uhh,
I'm in control,
ahh,
don't make me lose it,
control.

We lost it and we lost it in such a typical, boneheaded way that makes Georgia football for the last seven seasons feel like a job rather than a fun activity. Our offensive playcalling went completely conservative (playing not to lose, rather than to win) and our players make moronic mistakes that let the other team right back in the game. The lateral fumble and the sack for a safety....ten years ago, I would have been incredulous. Now, I just say "typical." Our players and more importantly, our coaching staff, play not to lose when we have a lead. Why are we throwing laterals with a twenty point lead? Why aren't we toss sweeping them to death? Why run a slow developing play action in your own end zone? As Janet Jackson says above, UHHHHHHH!!!!!AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I could feel my blood boiling. It was like a bad Twilight Zone. (+1 for Tommy Boy reference) Then we blow that 4th and 1 play completely and I just could not take anymore. Gurley had three guys on him, untouched, before he could make a cut. All of these Top Ten recruiting classes, pre-season hype, the beat writers saying, "this Georgia team is different than last year, this team could be special," blah blah blah. Nothing has changed. We are lucky that Florida is a bigger mess than we are. They are a collection of thugs who are a reflection of a bad coach. Our lack of intensity or ability to put anyone away with a big lead is a reflection as well. The ending of the game was more "thank God" than "hooray, we won!" Let's not forget that "12 men on the field" penalty AFTER A $%%%#^ TIMEOUT. Control. I lost it.

I will take the win, most certainly. Corey Moore's sack was a great play. Murray played well for the most part. Gurley was awesome. However, we are unranked, we lost to Vandy and were pummeled at home by Missouri. We have almost no shot to make it to Atlanta and if we do, Alabama will sacrifice us to the football gods like an Aztec virgin. Does anyone believe we could play with FSU right now? If you do, I will have whatever you are drinking. Somebody called me "Debbie Downer" earlier......no. I'm more like "Ricky Reality." We will go to another non-descript bowl game and then talk all summer about how next year will be "the year." No. It will not. I firmly believe that.