Five Realizations for This Week

1)                      If whale sharks decided to go medieval on us, we’d be toast. I could see a diver on GPTV swimming alongside a whale shark, with David Attenborough narrating, “And this lovely creature with all it’s size and power, is positively harmless, eating only phytoplankton…” and then it turns around and swallows the diver whole. Years of marine research down the toilet and the big guy over at the Georgia Aquarium becomes 10,000 pounds of steak.

2)                   Speaking of animals, Bangladesh natives are the wildebeests of the human world. You ever notice how wildebeests are always the #1 choice of predators everywhere? Lions, tigers, cheetahs, woodpeckers….you name it. Wildebeests are mercilessly slaughtered by every living thing that lives and breathes in the jungle. It’s almost like they plan it. “Hmmmmm, here is a muddy pond with absolutely no escape route right next to this pride of lions….over here everybody!” says their leader.

When a disaster hits Bangladesh, it is freakin’ biblical every time. Earthquakes, landslides, typhoons, gas price increases…on to that celestial shore they go, by the thousands. Call me insensitive, but the numbers don’t lie.

3)                   Everybody in northwest Georgia believes they have Cherokee (pronounced Char-kee) blood in them. “Hell, my daddy’s great grandpa was on the Trail of Tears and took a wrong turn and ended up in Adairsville (pronounced Dars-Vull).” It could be the whitest redhead on the block and they would still claim it. It’s a badge of honor for us. And to return to the homeland in North Carolina to pay homage (also known as compulsive gambling), is a rare treat.

As for me, I’m 1/32 Cherokee…no really, I looked it up!  =)

4)                        I’m glad that “pre-worn” cowboy hats are fading from existence. I blame Kenny Chesney for this ridiculous fad, with his fake pectoral muscles and shellace. (shell necklace). He was so much cooler when he was fat, wearing flannel and singing about East Tennessee. Instead, he became some fraudulent Jimmy Buffet clone and he started wearing a “pre-worn” cowboy hat. The people who participated in this laughable haberdashery along with him were about as far from a real cowboy as you can get. If this were Star Wars, Kenny Chesney would be the Emperor and his hat would be the Death Star, sucking in one more moron with it’s tractor beam. Join my Rebellion. Take off the hat. You want real country? Get one of your granddad’s old Faron Young albums and play “Hello Walls.” It’s more country than a dirt road covered in fried chicken with a river of Jack Daniel’s running beside it.

5)                          Although I am on the Paleo Diet, watching everything I eat and drink, counting calories and measuring protein like a mad scientist….I still want to go to the Varsity and gobble down two hot dogs all the way with a the biggest Frosted Orange in history. That sh*t is delicious.