Nudie Magazine Day: Comparing Billy Madison and President of the United States

Like most Americans, I have a batch of movies that I like to call "my favorites." These are the go-to movies when I cannot decide what to watch and I can always depend on them to serve their purpose. If I want to be intrigued, "Shawshank Redemption"  or "Gran Torino." If I want to cry, "Born On the Fourth of July" or "The Green Mile." If I want inspiration, "Remember the Titans" and "Braveheart." When it's action I need, "Tombstone" or "Saving Private Ryan."

Mostly, however, I like to laugh. I have an enormous library of comedies, ranging from "Kings of Comedy" to "Tommy Boy" to "Trading Places." Guys like Chris Farley, Eddie Murphy, Dan Akyroyd, and Bernie Mac have helped me get through some rough days. After a long day at the office, I love to watch the barbershop scene in "Coming to America" or the first five minutes of "Super Troopers." It's hard to focus on motions and briefs when Eddie Murphy says, "Oh, dere dey go, dere dey go, every time I start talkin' about boxin' a white man gotta pull Rocky Marciano out dey ass!" Classic.

Billy Madison is one of the most quotable comedies of the 90's. Adam Sandler probably was not aware that he had a gold mine in this movie, but in my generation's eyes, it was Fort freakin Knox. It may be silly, it may be crass, it may have a dumb plot, but that movie is hilarious. The critics hated it of course, as they do all comedies that don't have dark meanings or a subplot that speaks to human nature or some other BS. That crap is so tired. As far as I'm concerned, we all need a lot more slapstick in our lives, and a little less abstraction....if you please (the first and probably last Toby Keith reference in this article).

Speaking of slapstick, the President of the United States  is one of the hardest and most stressful jobs in the world. Putting up with every demand from every corner of the world does not sound like my cup of tea. Judging by the "before and after" pictures of the last three Presidents, serving the public in this manner obviously accelerates the aging process. Poor Barack, he will look like Morgan Freeman before his term is done. We need to instill some humor into the Oval Office, and decelerate this full frontal assault on our Commander in Chief. With that, I bring you a comparison of Billy Madison and the President.

1) Nudie Magazine Day/Election Day:

So, Billy is laying in the pool in the beginning, hammered out of his mind, talking to his friends. (The President consorts with his political staff about the upcoming results) He then asks his friend, played by Norm McDonald, what day it was. "October?" he replies. With this response, Billy realizes that today is "Nudie Magazine Day." (Election Day) He hops in his golf cart and careens toward the mailbox, crushing flowers and bushes all along the way, angering the gardener, repeating "Nudie Magazine Day, Nudie Magazine Day" in his drunken stupor. ( He realizes he has been elected and forgets all the little people that helped him get there) He grabs the package and tears into the literature with delight, "Drunk Chicks" and "Over 80." (The President must appeal to any and all demographics and age groups to win the popular vote).
Billy then sees an imaginary penguin and passes out on the doorsteps of his father's mansion (President moves into the White House, as the last poor schmuck moves out)

2) Billy in the Bathtub/Meeting with Congress

Billy has to clean up and sober up for the big dinner his father is hosting. (First meeting with Congress) Billy enacts a fight between his shampoo and his conditioner (Democrats and Republicans) as to who is better. "Shampoo is better, I go on first and clean the hair." (Republicans: less spending, more military presence!) "Conditioner is better, I make the hair silky and smooth." (Democrats: more government jobs, more taxes!) "Oh really, fool?! Yeah, really!" Billy then bashes them together and drops them into the soapy water, apparently knocking both pugilists out cold. (Congress can't agree on anything, filibustering and eventually coming to no decision as they lambaste one another on our dime). Billy then says, "stop looking at me, swan" to the marble swan adorning the side of the tub. (President addresses the public about the political standstill, basically telling us there is nothing to see here)

3) Billy at Dinner/Meeting with Cabinet Members:

Billy strides into the dinner late, causing the entire table of businessmen to miss their flight home (President was playing golf at Congressional). He ignores this fact as he instantly slurps down the soup placed in front of him. (President realizes he is the supreme being in the room, does not care for others time, they work for him, dammit!) "Hey Carl, what's up?!" Billy says to his most trusted friend at the table. (President gives the VP, aka Mr. Irrelevant, a nod).  Billy's father comments on Billy's tan, to which he replies, "yeah, I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours." (President played two rounds, actually) "Did ya fall asleep, or did ya pass out?" says Eric, the evil minion who secretly wants Madison Hotels for himself. (the guy in the room who wants the President's job and will undermine him in anyway to get it). Billy's father addresses the table about the future of Madison Hotels, when Eric makes faces at Billy, who responds in his own gibberish language. (President needled about his policies, has no clue about the particulars because some staffer wrote his last speech, so he wings it)

4) Billy Goes Back to First/Four Years in the White House

After coming to grips that he may lose Madison Hotels, Billy decides to go back to school and take it seriously this time. (The goal of every first term administration is a second term - Clear and Present Danger, biotches. +1 for a movie reference within a movie reference). Billy's first day is marked by a missed bus and a crazy teacher named Mrs. Lippy (President skips a briefing about military strategy because the First Lady is pissed that she can't plant a palm tree on the Lawn). Mrs. Lippy reads a story about "The Puppy Who Lost His Way" and Billy critiques the plot of the story, "You got a pet, you got a responsibility, you don't give up looking after an hour, you get your ass out there and you find that f***** dog!" (President delivers a fiery speech to a special interest group, saying what they want to hear so they will donate more money). Then the class plays dodgeball. (Congress is putting up a big bill, probably health care) Billy gets eliminated and returns to the class (Stay out of this, Pres. We are working for the people!) He enters to find Mrs. Lippy dancing alone (First Lady is drunk and riding a tricycle in the Oval Office) who ushers Billy out to play again. Billy annihilates the class one by one, exclaiming "Now, you are all in big trouble." (President vetoes the bill with gusto)

5) Billy in Third Grade/President's Popularity Decreases, then Increases

Billy sits in class and looks around for someone to talk to. He looks at his neighbor and says, "First and Second Grade were easy, but Social Studies and long division? This is going to be tough!" (President is overwhelmed by the war on terrorism, environmental concerns and keeping his special interest groups happy) Enter Veronica Vaughan. (The American public). Billy is enamored by Ms. Vaughan and does all he can to impress her (President knows that re-election is fast approaching). Ms. Vaughan is having none of this, as she hates Billy. Billy makes fun of a child reading in her class.."T-t-t-t today Junior!" (President passes several bills that increase taxes, angering the public). Ms. Vaughan grabs Billy by the ear and takes him into the hall. "Are you psycho, do you not have a soul?" (The people speak out in town hall meetings, on the internet and through the newspaper) Ms. Vaughan threatens to fail Billy and goes back to the classroom. Billy says aloud, "Veronica Vaughan....so hot, want to touch the heiny, owwwwww." (The public threaten to vote for somebody else, President is worried but confident he can win them back). In the end, Billy redeems himself by helping his friend Ernie on a field trip, who peed his pants. (President passes a bill decreases taxes and increases opportunities for small businesses, who are all filing bankruptcy). On the same field trip, Billy also touches Ms. Vaughan's chest (warming up the public for the next election) and deals with a perverted bus driver, played by Chris Farley (an indepedent who looks to steal votes in the next election).

6) Billy in High School/Dealing with War

Billy returns to high school in a Trans Am and REO Speedwagon shirt, forgetting that this is the 90's (President has no clue about military policy). The students are not very welcoming, as he is made fun of and has lunch food dumped on his head by O'Doyle (The  Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, a five star general who served in Vietnam, basically tells the President to piss off). So, while in class, Billy decides to increase his popularity by making fun of a teacher. "Chlorophyll, more like borophyll! (President unilaterally decides to bomb a town in Libya, which is deserted with the exception of some fig trees, oops). After that does not work, he turns his attention to an unsuspecting girl and exclaims, "no! I will not make out with you!" (President blames Israel for unrest in the Middle East). Things take a turn for the worse when Eric, the evil minion, bribes Billy's old principal Max Anderson into saying that Billy paid him for grades. (The guy who wants to be the next President brings up a sex scandal involving the President and an intern).

7) Billy vs. Eric/Re-Election Time:

Billy challenges Eric to an academic decathlon. (Campaigns, Promises, Backscratching) The principal reads the rules and warns them about cheating. "If I catch anyone cheating, especially with my wife, who is a dirty dirty tramp, I am just gonna snap." (The public is tired of all the crap, the scandals and negativity, want the best man for the job) Billy and Eric face off in science, math, music, sports and drama, with no clear winner (President and other guy exchange mudslinging. They poke holes in the other's resume. DUI's. C's in college. All the pertinent stuff). The final event is a Jeopardy of sorts, where Eric and Billy get to select the category for which the other must give an answer. Eric chooses "The Industrial Revolution" for Billy. (There is a debate on national television). Billy does not know anything about it, but upon seeing Mrs. Lippy in the crowd, he remembers "The Puppy Who Lost His Way"  and compares it to the Industrial Revolution.(President's answers are completely vague, with coached phrases and buzz words set to elicit applause). The principal allows the applause to die down before going on a tirade. "What you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard...et al" (The people do not like this approach, they have seen it before and it doesn't work) Now, it's Eric's turn. Billy chooses "Business Ethics." (The debate turns to small business loans, and the other guy is a Democrat, uh oh). Eric has no answer and loses his mind, threatening to kill Billy with a concealed pistol (Other guy stumbles around with an answer, then points out another sex scandal to cover it up). Before he can carry out the deed, Eric is double ax-handled by Max Anderson and sent to the floor. (Intern rears her ugly head again and says the other guy put his hand up her shirt and paid her $10,000). Still fighting, Eric, comes back up with the gun. He is then shot in the ass by Danny McGrath, played by Steve Buscemi (A long lost buddy of the President turns up three photos of the other guy snorting coke with Marion Berry in a whorehouse in Florida, thus ruining his chances for election). Billy gets Veronica in the end (the public) and decides to hand the company over to Carl (the VP is going to run things for awhile, there is golf to be played). THE END

Side Story

1) Poop in the Bag/Immigration

Billy and his friends decide to play a trick on Old Man Clements by filling a paper bag full of poop and lighting it on fire on his doorstep (President decides to give Mexicans political asylum, but it has to pass through Congress first). He places the bag on the doorstep, lights it and rings the doorbell. (President tells Mexico he is sure that the bill will pass.) Old Man Clements comes to the door and sees the bag, and shouts "Call the fire department, this one's out of control!" (Mexico tells its citizens that America will be opening her borders). "Don't put it out with your boots, Ted!" shouts the old man's wife. (Other countries warn Mexico about Presidential promises). In the end, he stomps the bag and smells his shoe and says, "It's poop again!" (Congress votes the bill down, President tells Mexico, "my bad"). Billy and friends laugh, "he called the s*** poop!" (The President decides that since they don't speak English, they didn't need to be here anyway)