World Problems: Solved by Yours Truly

There are certain questions I have about the way the world has become. For a Southern  man like me, some of this stuff is so far removed from my lifestyle and interests that I have no idea about them except what I have read and heard on the internet and television, which are the Gospel of course, so I believe it all. Nah, when I was in journalism school at the University of Georgia, I took a class about the history of journalism and my teacher was a very cynical woman who taught me to believe nothing I read that is generated by the national media. “Sensationalism!” she would say. I guess it stuck with me.

1.         Why is the public becoming more and more medicated, especially children? Have problems paying attention? Adderall. Can’t sleep? Ambien. Can’t control yourself? Ritalin. I cannot count how many times I have been somewhere and saw a kid acting up and the parent says, “Well, he’s not taking his Ritalin right now so this is what happens.” What? For an independent nation, we sure are slaves to these tiny little doses of God-Knows-What. People get hooked and the health insurers and pharmaceutical giants continue to fill their bank accounts to the point of explosion. In journalism school,  I remember doing a research project on the advertising campaign of Paxil, a drug that treats “General Anxiety Disorder.” Do you know what the symptoms of GAD are? Basically, if work and life have got you stressed out, you don’t have much energy as you want and you cannot stop worrying about everyday problems, then Paxil is the drug for you. Every single person I know should be taking Paxil, according to that description. It was a disease that was created to sell drugs, nothing more.

I got answers for all of the above mentioned problems, in perfect non medication form. A good ass whipping always made me pay attention, a hard day’s work always put me to sleep without trouble and if I was out of control, my dad would pinch the fat on the back of my arm and give me a look of death and suddenly, being out of control was not worth it anymore. Get a grip, parents, literally. As far as GAD goes, that’s life. Grow a pair. The excuses are getting tired and drugs are not the answer.

2.         The nitpicking in this country is ridiculous. The national and local media markets love a great scandal. They love to find a fault in someone or something and run it into the ground. Tiger Woods could have his own news channel now. “This just in, Tiger took a leak in his third floor bathroom and it looked like he may have peered out the window of his bathroom at a woman walking her dog. Is he sleeping with her? Did she have his love child? Find out after the commercial break.” He will never escape his mistakes because the media will not allow it. You think Kobe is off the hook? Hell no, its just that his scandal has been replaced by newer and more juicy scandals. However, whenever Kobe’s name comes up, it always seems to go like this, “Kobe had 28 points and 13 rebounds in the Lakers victory over the Sacramento Kings on Tuesday night. If you will recall, Bryant was accused of raping a young girl in Colorado, for which he apologized and he has moved on.” Right. Moved on. 

            The microscope has got to lose focus at some point. Groups of people are going to do things that other groups are not going to approve of. During the 2010 Winter Olympics, the national media published a story about the way the Canadian women’s hockey team celebrated their gold medal winning performance over the United States. Apparently, these Canucks had the audacity to light up cigars on the ice and drink an alcoholic beverage to toast their victory. In Canada, hockey is everything. It is their national pastime. They waited four years for this moment. The media and the IOC did not like the fact that some of the girls were under the legal drinking age of 19 (they were in Canada, not the US) when they imbibed and the smoking of cigars was just a sign of disrespect that could not be overlooked or excused. Damn them all to hell. They had to “issue a statement” of apology to the world. The coach was chastised publicly. The girls were sent to Fort Leavenworth, Kansas where they will await lethal injection. Children everywhere will now drink a fifth of Jack Daniels every time they make an “A” on a math test. Completely ridiculous and overblown, which is what I come to expect unfortunately.

                     If the media cannot find something wrong with your words, they will find something wrong with the inflection you used, or the direction your eyes moved when speaking. I did not vote for Barack Obama, but that poor man has been dissected more times than a bullfrog in a sixth grade biology class. Let him do his job, whatever that is, and if he does a bad job, he will be voted out. We don’t care that he emphasized a word too much, used his hands in manner that suggested he did not care about the rights of the ruby throated sparrow, or the suit he wore was .56% rayon. Find something interesting and USEFUL or stop reporting. The media’s purpose has been skewed and basically operates as a de facto judge, jury and saboteur of privacy. You are supposed to report information to the public as it happens, not the way you think it happened.

3.         I am ready for certain words and phrases to disappear out of the vernacular in this country. You ever watch movies from the 30’s and 40’s? Phrases and words like “what’s the idea?” and “swell” are never said anymore, at least not around here. I’m not sure when the citizenry started using them, but they apparently faded out of existence in the 70’s, judging by films made during that decade. Judging by that formula, it takes 30-40 years for a word or phrase to go the way of the dodo bird. There are some words and phrases now that I would like to accelerate to an early demise.

• “Issue” is a word that is beaten to death. Actually, it’s the use of the word, rather than the actual word itself. There are no such things as “problems” anymore, there are only “issues” now. A man with a bad personality? He has “issues.” The Marines are stalled out in Afghanistan because of roadside bombs? They are having “issues” with insurgents. Can’t find a place to park your truck? You are having parking “issues.” You don’t like something a person said to you? You have an “issue” with them. The word “issue” suggests to me that there is a situation where there are two sides that disagree and the two sides must come to an agreement to resolve it. This does not work for bad personalities, Taliban insurgents, parking vehicles or insults heaved in your direction. The world I grew up in had “problems.” I want problems to come back. Only in the vocabulary sense though.

• “Closure” is another one. It is used by people who want to sound more intelligent than they really are. “Closure” seems to be the buzz word in murder and kidnapping cases : “well, they found Bobby in the bottom of the river, it looks like somebody shot him. Thank the Lord, his momma can have closure now.” See? It sounds stupid in Southern English. It sounds stupid in any vernacular.

• “Making a statement” has become the new way to communicate for those bestowed with celebrity status, especially when they get in trouble. Athletes use ESPN to “make their statement” for them. The statement has four parts: acknowledgement, apology, reasoning, treatment. “I know what I did was wrong, I’m sorry to all my fans, I wasn’t thinking clearly, I will check into rehab tomorrow.” Then Stuart Scott and Scott Van Pelt nod in agreement and all is well. Tiger Woods actually did his in person, complete with scripted hand motions and tears. He did go to Stanford though. I don’t see Britney, Lindsay or Mike Tyson apologizing for their respective smoking with a baby in the car, 9^th DUI or various sexual assaults in person. They get the paid-by-the-hour Harvard mouths to write theirs and have their lawyers read it. The family stands behind the lawyer, all adorned with sunglasses to hide their tears, the occasional nod and the scripted one armed hug, and we’re done. I’m going to start doing that whenever I forget to pay a bill or take out the trash.